Dear Harper,

I've fed you too many Mike and Ike's this week. Leftover from my stocking, I sort of wonder if you like them too. Don't get used to them though, because once they are gone they are gone. We can miss them together.

You're dancing now, it's the strangest feeling. Sometimes you'll do a full on flip, other times you just feel like a little bouncy ball in my belly. Your dad can feel you too, I'll call him over, "Feel her, she's moving," then you'll stop. haha. Maybe you're a jokester like us. We are going to have fun in this home.

We named you a couple weeks ago, we both immediately fell in love with Harper. It's so you.  I'm now reading To Kill a Mockingbird, by another Harper. Not your namesake at all, but upon choosing it, figured I needed to brush up since so many will associate your name with hers.

I forgot how wonderful it is, I was told you can hear me now, so I've been reading bits and pieces aloud to you, you won't remember any of it though. Scout is such a cutie.

I pray for you so much. Once we found out you were a girl prayers have come a lot easier. There are specific things I pray over you every day.

I pray you'll find your identity in Christ. That you won't look to others to define who you are, but that you'll be secure in who HE says you are. Jr. High and High School can be so cruel, you'll be surrounded by kids looking to be defined, by anyone or anything. My prayer is that even then, you'll be grounded in your identity.

I pray you'll be joyful. You're about to be born into a really broken world. You won't notice it for a while, I'm glad for that. Even in this brokenness though, there are certain people who radiate joy, when I'm around them I feel it. It's like it floats from them to me and I don't want to leave their side, they are insanely refreshing to be around. I pray you'll be like that.

I pray you'll be drawn to truth. That you'll be an honest and trustworthy person and that you'll seek that quality out in the people you surround yourself with growing up. I pray you'll be able to discern truth from lies, its so hard sometimes to know which is which, so I pray for you it will come easy.

I pray you'll be content. That you'll have a deep trust in where the Lord has you, regardless of circumstance.

I pray you'll be a good sleeper. This one might be semi-selfish, haha, won't stop me from asking for it though. 

I pray you'll know grace. Harper, it is so sweet. I forget it all too often, I pray you'll just walk in it, extending it to others along the way.

These are just some of the things that have been laid on my heart for you. Some of them the things that I know, from experience, would have made my life much easier to have understood earlier on.

I love you already. I can't wait to meet you. I'm going to start feeding you better things this week, our Christmas candy is dwindling, we'll be alright without it.


-Kelsey

A Baby (a real one)

"Is there any chance you are pregnant?" I sat in the x-ray room ready to put on the ridiculously heavy vest.

"No, no there isn't...I'm pretty sure, no there's not."

 "Are you sure? Because if you are this can be very harmful to a baby, why don't you take a test just in case." She led me to the white tile bathroom, the cold kind, couldn't they just try to make it a little homier? A picture, a candle, anything.

Insurance is finally paying to have my back taken care of since my wreck...and really with this? I take the cup and a bottle of water and head in, this is silly, but protocol I'm sure so I won't fight it.

I walk back into the x-ray room and am told it would be best for me to go back to the doctors office and they'll be with me shortly.

There is no way, my mind starts racing. It's not that, no we said we'd stop preventing but it happens later...it always happens later, like a year, stop freaking out Kelsey. 

I wait for what seems like an eternity. The door opens with a grin, "it's positive." And all I can do is laugh.

I'm not big on surprises. My mom once told me this story of herself in grade school. It was Christmas time and one night she went and got all her presents out from underneath the tree, sat in the closet and unwrapped all of them, saw the goods, then carefully wrapped them back up.

It's genetic. We like knowing things.

So naturally, God would yell surprise! from heaven.

Because isn't His timeline and plan always the best one? Even when it doesn't fit into our own? (and let's be honest, does it ever?)

I leave and track down Todd so we can relish in this moment together. Wide eyed and wondering if this is when parenthood begins. A baby? Like a real one??

This has been a fun three months. And a WHOLE three months I might add, the doctor said she thinks its the earliest she's even caught a pregnancy. I hadn't even missed yet.

The fact that God is really watching this baby take form is fascinating to me. But its really given me this whole new perspective on His love for us that I have never thought about before, He LOVES this little baby, because he already KNOWS this baby. Everything about it, everyday, from the first heartbeat to the last breath. He loves us before anyone else ever has the chance to.

Can you wrap your mind around that? You were KNOWN before you ever were. Let it boggle. God loves this child more than I ever can or ever will, and He beat me to it.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

For three months I've been wondering when I would begin to love this little baby, when does that start? Maybe its different for everyone, but for me I am still  in process. As the baby grows so does my love, we share that, growth in the different ways.

Hearing the heartbeat helped. We recorded it and I could listen to it on repeat.

Of course there are still fears and the wondering if everything is still okay. I wish you could rent those heartbeat hearers, I'd just walk around with it all the time, just to make sure.

But then it wouldn't cultivate trust in me with my God, which is desperately needed, in all areas of my life.

He's growing that in me too, there's a lot of growing going on around here.

Love, 
Kels 

Thoughts on Trusting (through good and bad)

I've become obsessed with Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. Obsessed really with the idea of seasons in general. I wrote about it this week on The Global Shoppe blog, you can dive there if you want, but in case you were there and now you are here I'll spare you. 

There is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, 
a time to tear down and a time to build up,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
a time to love and a time to hate, 
a time for war and a time for peace. 

It does my heart good to write it out, even if we may not share the same beliefs, I think most  can share the comfort offered in those words. Share in the hope that things change, from the good to the bad and back again, because that's just life. 

This is the season of tearing down my distrust. 

I've had a car headache since March. To make a long story short we totaled our car 4 months after we bought it and then insurance offered us $2,000 less than what we paid for it and $3000 under the value. Blah, blah, blah...my life revolved around this for weeks. 

It is what it is and in the scope of life it doesn't really matter, but at the time it did so much. Three weeks ago I sat out on our back porch pouting and I heard that still small voice say, "Would you rather have what you paid for your car or would you rather learn how to trust me?" 

I know when I hear it, when it isn't my conscious, it's sweeter than my own voice, pierces directly to my heart and then spreads, a strange feeling I've learned to recognize. 

I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp. She enters her own season of counting blessings, all thousand of them, during this seasons switch and things are hard, she says it better than I ever could...

"Lord...that I'd day after day greedily take what looks like it's good from Your hand -- a child gloating over sweet candy..." My voice catches hard. I've been a thief, trying to hoard away all the good. "...but that I'd thrash wild to escape when what You give from Your hand feels bad -- like gravel in the mouth. Oh Father, forgive...Should I accept what is good from you, and not trouble?" (Job 2:10) 

I knew in that pitch black porch moment that I had to stop thrashing and accept it, trusting that he does make ALL things work together for His good, even what feels bad. The opportunity had been presented to learn that lesson, I had the choice, so I chose the latter. 

Me, Kelsey Sisson, who follows our online budget like a lion stalking prey, who had found an unhealthy security in a savings account suddenly didn't care at all what we were given for that silly car, knowing it would work out. 

I realized I hadn't been trusting God to provide for us, I was trusting money itself, which in turn manifested into a distrust of Him. Are you tracking? God can just as easily provide a car out of thin air, it isn't the money that provides its the hand behind it. 

And even then, even in this choice I was given He still chose to bless us with what we paid for the car. He could have let it work out like that on the front end. But he loves us too much to let us remain, he takes us through the above seasons to teach us, mold us, shape us.

In the end we were able to buy an ever nicer car then the one we had previously, in better condition with less miles. 

Heart full and feeling blessed. 

The kicker...

I wrote this Saturday night and literally as I was wrapping up that last sentence received one of those texts that makes your heart land in your stomach. I've been knee deep in a situation since January, really just completely in over my head, but for whatever reason I may not understand the Lord's kept me in it. 

Man, this world is a straight up mess. 

This season isn't over, continuing to be built up in the way of trust. Learning to accept not only the good but the seemingly bad too. 

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

Psalm 125:1

-Kels

My Job and Summer Camp (the power of an open palm)

I majored in History. 


Sometimes I wonder why God chose me for this job. There are 1,000 other people in our area way more qualified. But for whatever reason He still decided to follow through with me. A year and half in and I don't get it, I'll take it, I love it, but I still don't get it. 


In January of 2011 I came on staff with New Heights with the title of "Managing the boutique that will open up inside of a coffee shop that still isn't anywhere close to being done." 


With really no direction except that I would need to connect with a lady named Melody Murray (founder of JOYN, one of our most personal vendors) and  no clue where to start I began to google. Jumbling up the words..."Fair Trade, Christians, Products, Missionaries, Artisans and Countries. 


I prayed for guidance daily. I had boarded a plane blindfolded. I didn't even know when it would take-off let alone where we would land. 


During my googling frenzy I stumbled upon two vendors, Heavenly Treasures and Tukula. 


(Side-note: Praise God for google).


 Heavenly Treasures (HT) is a company that is based out of California and they are doing what The Global Shoppe wants to do on a much larger scale. They are partnered with missionaries in 13 different countries!!! HT is a nonprofit and all of their money is poured back into the artisans and projects they support. 


Caroline's mother founded HT and now she has a hand in helping run the family business. She and I began to dialogue back and forth about a partnership and had the chance to meet up last summer in California. It is so nice to have someone I can come to with questions, they get it, they've been at this a long time and I know the Lord blessed us with this relationship. Not just to have their products fill our shoppe but to also offer us guidance. 


Now for Tukula, today I got the chance to Skype with Joe (he and his wife Melissa are the founders). This was our first time to speak via screen. 


Tukula was established in March of 2011, they employ 5 women in Uganda. It wasn't until June of 2011 that products were shipped to the United States. 

Google brought me to their website in January 2012 just 7 months after their merchandise was ready for sale, I read their mission and sent them an email. Making The Global Shoppe their first big buyer in the U.S. (unbeknownst to me until today). We were both baby companies, the likelihood of me stumbling upon their website having just been launched was slim to none. 


To make things even weirder, Joe and his wife know many of the same people I know in Fayetteville. One of which had lived in Africa with them years ago. Until today Joe thought I had connected with them having heard through one of these people.


Not at all though, it was the Holy Spirit directing me their way so these brand new companies could bless one another. 


Shock and awe. The Lord orchestrates everything for His greater purposes. I think it hit me today that from the beginning He may have just needed someone incapable so that he could mold them into capability on His terms. 


At times along the way I've tried to take over and fly it myself, establishing some sense of control to make me feel better for the moment. But it's always the times when I throw my hands up in the air and ask him to just work through me that it turns out the way it's supposed to. 


Isn't that the way we are called to be? Last week at Ravencrest (the camp our youth goes attends) God began revealing to me the sin of control that I cling to. 

On the road to Colorado.

Ugh, is there anything worse than that moment where you see your dark in the midst of His light? It's sickening. On Sunday, Josh spoke to the youth about resetting the line, asking them if they dance along the fence of the world and following Christ at the same time, I began to wonder what my line was. 


My line is shame/guilt and true conviction. I walk along it like a beam, ice cream scooping my toes on either side all too often (those who grew up in Gymnastics will get this reference). I did this last week, shaming myself for the control exposed when all the while God is bringing it to light so he can heal it, not force me to wallow in it. 

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 

2 Corinthians 7:10

Today was a reminder of the good that comes upon my release. A year and a half ago when I was given this job my palms were open, laid out for him to give and take as he chose and today I reaped the fruit of that kind of life. 

I couldn't have orchestrated these partnerships if I tried a thousand times over. That is just it though, HE was in control from the beginning and because of this everything landed smoothly.  

Oh, how this makes me want to hold my palms open in all aspects of my life. He's calling me there, to lose myself and prepare for take off in a different way. 

This is necessary. 

Kels 

P.S. The Global Shoppe is blessed to partner with more than just the above vendors, check out these as well...Starfish Jewelry, Ergon, Sasa Designs, International Nepal Fellowship and Mercy International. 

The Things I Shouldn't Care About (minor confessions)

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Colossians 3:2-4

It is easy to live for myself and this world. I only write about the things that strike a chord, so you see a certain side of who I am (although it is genuine, it isn't all of me, I don't think its possible to fully know someone via screen anyways, but that's neither here nor there) you miss out on my superficial thoughts, the daily ones that pass through my mind. 


I just "Webstered" (Webster would not approve of me turning this into a verb) the word superficial to see if that would accurately describe the me I am trying to get at. 

So you can fully understand. 

It's a harsh word, I was hoping it wouldn't, but it did a little bit.


Last week I bought a pair of nude colored shoes, Steve Maddens. Todd and I have personal money each month, mine generally goes to clothes, shoes and nail polish. His goes to books. I am a reader, but ya right like I am going to spend all my monthly money on books. 


I already have three pairs of nude colored shoes, I did not need these. (Sidenote: out of all the colors of shoes why am I still getting this color? I am so weird). 


We went to a wedding last weekend, I have skirts and dresses. Lots of them. But I bought something new, so that the next time a wedding rolls around I can flip through my clothes and think...I have nothing to wear, this  little blue skirt will by thrown in with the rest of the items deemed unworthy for the event. 

So cute, yet so unnecessary. 

I went through a phase in college where I desperately wanted to be "Indie." I remember buying my first pair of skinny jeans and then...nude flats (RIP, you have left your legacy). Clothing and music were the things I thought on most, by this point I was walking with the Lord, but my wake up call began to nap and I became distracted.


The socially acceptable numb. 


Our neighborhood pool opened this weekend. This is one of my favorite things about where we live, all the benefits of having our own pool (it literally is across the street from us) but no maintenance on our part. 


I cleaned our house, did some laundry and headed to Sams to get a second pair of Steve Maddens, they were such a good deal I couldn't let it go, the exact same kind as the first only in gold (y'all I legitimately wish I was kidding, but for the sake of what this entire post is about I couldn't leave it out). 



I swung into Neighborhood Market on my way home to get sunscreen and debated getting a magazine. I haven't bought a magazine in probably over a year, I used to get them all the time but it's a waste of money and makes my brain feel mushy and numb. 


Despite my better judgement I got it  anyway. Halfway through the verse at the top came to mind. Why do I do this? Why do I temporarily choose to fill my mind with things on this earth that will never ever transfer over to the next? And what does it really mean to set my mind on things above?


Because my immediate response to that is to picture clouds and angels. Those are above right? I actually wrestled with it a little bit last week, "Lord if I fix my eyes on things above then I am not living fully where I am now, shouldn't I be content here?" 


But that isn't what this verse is saying. 


I read a commentary  that said it so well...


"The thought of Christ and heaven being above and the sinful things of earth being below is misleading when understood merely in the sense of altitude. "The things above" are rather the things of higher importance, more exalted principles, and spiritual rather than carnal."


There is nothing wrong with buying clothes, make up and shoes. Or reading magazines and listening to certain music. It's when they consume your thoughts that it becomes an issue. It's when our mind travels down the road of obsession, "I need black shoes, I need a new swimsuit, I need that red nail polish, I need that for our living room,  I need that album, I need, I need, I need."


I think we always have to be aware that those things (the earthly things) will never leave us feeling full. We'll be on the constant look out for momentary satisfaction. 


When I think about the things of higher importance, my mind is drawn to the relationships around me. My relationship with Todd, family, friends, employees and my cell group girls. These things will carry over. My nude flats will not. 


When I think about exalted principles. I think about The Gospel, how Jesus lived and how I am now called to live. When I think about the spiritual, I think about the Fruits of the Spirit (and the dumb song that helped me memorize them)  and how these should daily reflect what's inside of me. 

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control. 

Personally this is a constant battle, to actually think about those things on a daily basis. 

Because...that girls outfit is so cute and what is the song that's on right now? 

-Kels 

Worry (the dumb kind)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Sometimes I wish I lived in the olden days, really just that I lived on Little House on the Prairie, this is what I picture "olden" days looking like (I know it's probably unrealistic, but stick with me).

You just live in your little wood house, one big happy family, no phone calls to take, no emails to check, no gas bill, no electric bill, no water bill, no car troubles, no thought put into your clothing because everyone looks homely and its okay, you buy everything at ONE store (The General Store, of course) and you don't have a ridiculous schedule, the best part of all. You take it day by day.

See? How wonderful does that sound?

Never-mind the measles, snakebites, cholera, exhaustion and broken legs (all possible threats, I know this because of Oregon Trail).

With my schedule I don't know how not to worry about the next day. I always have something going on that begs my attention. Something to think on, plan out and prepare for, which in turn manifests itself into worry.

I honestly think its harder for us nowadays to not worry about tomorrow because of our rigid schedules, they force us to always be looking ahead.

This is how bad it is, I'll be worrying about something, get distracted and then I'll try to remember what it is I was worrying about so I can get back to it. Did you catch that? I'll actually TRY to remember the worry so I can continue it.

I wish I was kidding! Who does that??

Our dog had his little boy parts removed about a month ago, everything went well and then a couple weeks later something didn't seem right. I obsessed about it for two days, worried, is he infected? What if its spread? He's walking weird...this is definitely not his regular walk. Is he going to die?

I took him to the animal hospital (not even our regular vet) on a Sunday y'all! The busiest Sunday I have probably ever had and yet that one open hour, I picked Hosmer up and we pranced on in only to find out it was just a "little" irritated and if it would make me feel better I could put Neosporin on it.

The night before, Todd said, "Kelsey, I really think you need to relax, I mean what are you going to do when we have kids?"

And, you know what? I have no idea. Because as of right now...I will be the mom who checks on her infant fifteen times a night just to make sure they are still breathing.

I pass children in the grocery store throwing a fit and immediately begin worrying I'll have those kids. How in the world have I already thought about that and we don't even have children?

Jerry (Todd's dad) said he knew he was in for it when he walked into the room and toddler Todd was ripping up James Dobsons, Strong Willed Child.

I wasn't any better.

Odds are we will have those kids.

This has got to stop, I have to learn how to take these absolutely ridiculous worries captive.

Although it does say, do not worry about tomorrow...not do not worry about 4 years from now in Wal-mart.

So maybe I'm not in too bad of shape. ;)

-Kels

I hate the word BLOG (but I love Celebrate Recovery)

Not necessarily what the word entails. Just the word in general. It's such an ugly word for something not meant to be. It reminds me of the word "clog," not the dancing kind, the kind in the sink and nothing good proceeds that word.

A couple nights ago I wrestled with all of this, the BLOG (ugh, don't you hate it now?) that is.

 I'm not a terribly private person, obviously. I hope my transparency welcomes others, that's my desire anyway. A mask-less community. I crave conversation below the surface, I feel honored when people share life with me and it's comforting to know everyone else is a mess too.

About four years ago I joined Celebrate Recovery, I was 21. My world had been rocked, circumstances beyond my control left me bitter and I found myself coping with an eating disorder I had stuffed way down, the combination flung me through the doors.

A year of refinement and lots and lots of crying. The transparency there was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Of course I'd had real conversations with friends, but having twelve to fifteen women sit in a circle and drag up the dark?

We unfolded messes together, peeled back onion layers at the same time and then some. My heart feels a certain warmth when I see these women, we really know one another.

I wouldn't trade that year for anything. I learned that being open with what's really going on in my life and being around those that are doing the same leads to freedom.

I've seen countless lives change as a result of Celebrate Recovery, family, friends and those that felt like the former when all was said and done.

In a way it set me up to intentionally pursue relationships with much depth, I love that. Some day I'll return and peel back some more.

The thing is on here, with this kind of transparency I don't have a face nodding in front of me, saying...me too, I hear you, I see where you are coming from. 


It's just weird and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it, processing out loud tonight (or out written?)

I'm okay enough to continue.

For the curious, here is a list of locations offering Celebrate Recovery in NWA.

You should probably do it.

Kels

On Spiritual Gifts (confused and such)

This is one subject that thoroughly confuses me, I'll be honest there are a lot, but this is one of them. Maybe it's because it isn't spoken of often and when it is it's accompanied with a test.

Oh... the spiritual gifts test, I sort of loath them. They remind me of the ones you take in middle school that are supposed to tell you which career best suits you. The test where if you answer the questions in just the right way you'll have your dream job of being a veterinarian. Even when you're twelve you know how the thing works.

So it goes with the spiritual gifts test, it's entirely obvious which questions lead to which gifts.

Today I filled out my employee evaluation form and one of the questions read, "What is your spiritual gift? And when was the last time you used it?"

I sort of dread that question, mainly because I am so insecure in it. I don't know. I don't know which ones are my gifts, what's yours, you tell me.  

Even if I do try and state one it's always followed with..."That's just like what other people have told me before."

I feel it's the same for most believers, there is an insecurity in not knowing which gifts you have and then there is the fear of saying it out loud if you do.

Let's say I have the gift of wisdom, I have no idea how I could claim that without feeling arrogant. It almost feels like we don't talk about "giftings," because it isn't humble. Isn't that the strangest thing? Shouldn't we be discussing them more?

I don't know if I've met anyone who didn't hesitate when stating their gift. I wish that Paul would have included a God-breathed test to make this whole thing easier.

But I guess that's just it. It forces you to be personal, to ask the Lord and seek Him out on it because ultimately it is Him who will reveal it to you.

I think that scares me though because the moment I know what it is...I have to submit and make myself available in that way. I'm kind of comfortable in the unknown but at the same time I'm so curious.

• Prophecy, Serving, Teaching, Encouraging, Giving, Leadership, Mercy, Words of Wisdom, Words of Knowledge, Faith, Healing, Miraculous Powers, Distinguishing (discerning) Spirits, Speaking in Tongues, Interpretation of Tongues and Compassion.  (taken from Romans 12:6-8, 1 Corinthians 12:4-11 and 1 Corinthians 12:28) 

So there they are, according to the three most popular passages regarding the subject.

I would LOVE to hear your thoughts. Do you know what your spiritual gifts are? If so, when was it revealed to you? How was it revealed?

Kels

P.S. If you are unfamiliar with the Christian Bible and are extremely confused it's okay, I am too. That should rule out wisdom (maybe).

On Doubting (I wish I could turn off my brain)

Wasn't everyone supposed to know? This was the basis of our faith. If I didn't understand why Jesus died on the cross by now, something was wrong with me. I had grown up in the church, surely this would soon click and make sense.

Questions pounded in my head like waves, but the fear of being known kept me from speaking up. 

For seven years I contained the things I died to ask, the questions that led to my doubts. 

Last weekend Todd and I went to a movie called Blue Like Jazz.

 (The book is better, but that's the way it always goes). 

The gist: 

Donald Miller (author) grows up a Southern Baptist, he moves out to Portland Oregon to attend Reed College, ends up losing his faith the first year and then comes back around. He learns how to live in a culture that rejects his faith and he even goes as far as apologizing to those on campus for how Christians have done so much damage. 

We left and the doubt pounded in, much like it used to, except now I process out loud with Todd. 

"I know God is real, I've experienced Him in my life and I feel Him, but when it comes to explaining that to someone else, mainly those who think I'm crazy for my beliefs I have no idea how to do that, how can you explain something you cannot see, I feel like I would be trying to convince someone of something not there, I know He is in my heart but I don't know how to convey that to others." I said. 

"Kelsey, it isn't your job to convince someone that this is real, they either accept it or they don't, that doesn't rest on you." 

"But can we be so sure of this, like 100%? Or is that what makes this faith?" 

"Whether you believe in God or not it's faith either way."

(Please say you think on these things too)  

I love him, that he'll listen and remind me these thoughts are okay, I used to shame myself so hard for thinking them, it's nice to be able to vocalize it when they roll in. 

Then the doubts crept in another way. The insecurity type doubt, the who reads my words kind. The realization that those who knew me from High School might find themselves here. Wondering what they must think of me now.

Because if you have found yourself here... you know all the things I've done. Do you judge me a little now? Or even think I am real? If these are your thoughts I understand because I've done nothing to earn your trust or approval.

On Sunday, a man shared his story. It began with drinking in middle school, marijuana in Jr. High and then cocaine in High School. His life began to spiral, to the point of cooking meth and running from the police. 

He was on the Missouri most wanted list and wanted in Arkansas for another set of crimes. He broke down one night, completely empty and spoke out loud "God, if you want me to go to prison I am ready." He was found the next morning and then began his journey of restoration. 

He is now married and holds a high up position at a well respected company. 

I was reminded that it's our stories of redemption that point to God, who I am now and who I was is not the same person. It's crazy and weird and I can't fully understand it. But I am most definitely different and the only thing I can attribute that to is Jesus. 

I don't have a magic set of words to tell you and you could probably murder me with science. I am okay with that, I loathed the subject anyways.

Neither can I convince you, but if you are willing and want to hear it I can tell you my story. 

I've got time if you do.

-Kels 

 P.S. Saturday's doubts make for a beautiful Sunday, not all for naught. 

Things Learned (the 2 year mark)

Today was our two year anniversary. I feel the same, much like a birthday, except we share in it. I do like that part, that it's our day.

We'll celebrate this weekend in Kansas City. Today you want to know what I asked Todd to do when we got off work? I asked if we could take Hosmer to the dog park together...you read that right. It's the little things with me.

The past two years have gone by crazy fast, I feel like we just left Mexico. Earlier today in Mama Carmen's I was talking to Julie Fish

"When does the honeymoon phase end?" I asked.

 She replied, "It should have already ended but the fact that you're asking that is a good thing." Haha.

I love being married to Todd. I have learned a lot and have miles more to go. I feel blessed that we have found so much joy in our marriage thus far.

Here is a little compilation of things learned the silly and the serious.

1.  Cooking isn't fun. I still don't like it. I do it, but I would rather craft. Does this get easier? Help. 
2. Todd reads more than anyone I know and he has to finish the book he started. This little known fact makes me want to figure out a way to get him to read the first few pages of something ridiculous. Lauren Conrad has fiction books out doesn't she?   
3. I have come to learn to treasure the times Todd can come to "big church," with me. They are few and far between when you work in ministry. 
4. Neither of us care if the top of the toothpaste tube is all clumped up with toothpaste. I was sure this would annoy him that I leave the top flipped open, nope, we are rebels with our hygiene. 
5. You can and should have a song for every occasion (made up of course). Todd is the best at this, I always think mine are original and then he has to point out that it's to such and such tune. 
6. Forgiveness is hard. 
7. Getting a dog was a good idea.
8. Todd a really good listener and doesn't care if a cry a lot. He is honest and doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. He shoots me with the truth. I love that about him. 
9. Friendships with your girlfriends just look different now. No one prepared me for that. I don't swing by my friends houses, knock once, walk in and ask them if they want to go to Eureka Springs on a whim anymore. I don't walk down the hall to Whitney's room crawl in her bed and laugh and cry with her till we fall asleep. Girl nights end with us all going home, not with a sleepover. It is still good but different from what I knew (M - thanks for chatting with me about this one, you're right it's weird and hard).
10. I like things in their proper place and have a hard time when things are messy, Todd exposes this. A couple of weeks ago Todd moved one of our dressers maybe an inch so he could plug in his computer. He was sitting on the bed, I walked in the room and stood there, scanning the perimeter.  My eyes zoned in on the dresser and I found it.  It freaked him out. "How can you even notice those things??" I don't know. But I can. And my mom can too. 
11. Taxes are the worst. 
12. I'm protective of my shampoo. I can share all other things, but the minute I smell biolage on Todd's head we have a problem. 
13. My emotions can be controlled. Just because I feel sad doesn't mean I need to let it dictate my day, just because I feel anxious doesn't mean I need to let that dictate my day either. I can say no to that feeling and choose to find refuge in Jesus.
14. The more we pray together, the more I like it. And I think we've gotten better at it, isn't that strange? But I really do. It's deeper, we are more in tuned to one another spiritually now then when we first got married. 

Here we go, entering the next year in just a few hours. 

Best, 

Kels 

Beth Moore: On Pink Shirts and Replacing Myself

Truly excited about this one. Fully encouraged and praying you too may feel the same. Here we go...

I went into the Beth Moore conference completely skeptical. There is something about someone being in the Christian limelight like she is that makes your wonder if its real or not. I don't think I could handle the pressure of being a a "Christian celebrity," because I'd feel my relationship with the Lord always needed to be perfect, an unending mountaintop.

Sure my past is a wreck, but now? No, now my biggest struggle is deciding where to fit in my second quiet time for the day. 


We sat down and watched woman after woman pile in, about 9,800 in all if that helps you wrap your mind around this.

A sea of pink, women in Beth Moore t-shirts. Awesome I thought, this is already confirming my stereotypes and the thing hasn't even started yet. 


And so we sang. When women sing in heaven it will sound like it did in that room, I am sure of it. As a collective our song was perfection. The final touch of creation singing as one. I've never heard anything like it. Rene said this is one of her favorite things about a women's conference, I can now see why.

Before Beth came out my mind started racing with judgement which I quickly quieted with scripture.

I question most things, it's the way I've always been. When God got my attention my sophomore year of college I told him I believed in Him but not in Jesus, I asked Him to be patient with me and show me that Jesus was who He said He was. 

For the next three months I inhaled the New Testament, He broke me down and I accepted Christ. Honestly, I like this about me for the most part, but it also manifests itself in skepticism which I don't like. 

So when she took the stage I was open, open to accepting who she really was not who I had made her out to be based on outside opinion. 

Beth is loud, animated and absolutely passionate about The Word, it's contagious. I don't think it is possible for someone to be in the bible as much as she is and not be changed by it. The Word is living and active and apparent in her life, you cannot fake that kind of passion.

I needed that confirmation and received it.

I work with a girl who is a rockstar at discipleship. I pray that her intentionality with people will float from her to me. Earlier in the week I asked her how she does it. I've been questioning that a lot lately how do you disciple someone the "right" way? Is there even a right way?

So naturally the entire weekend was about discipleship. Of course, because God does these things.

The message was from 1 Thessalonians. As believers we are meant to replace ourselves, we should always be training others up to do what we do.

Who are you training to take over your ministry? If something happens to you tomorrow do you have someone ready to step in? Because you should.

Doesn't that make you squirm and feel a little insecure? Isn't it nice feeling "needed?" Personally, I don't like the idea of training someone to do what I do because I have a fear they would be better at it than me, isn't that terribly selfish? I know it.

 Jesus taught the disciples to do what what He was doing because He knew He wouldn't always be there. Once He was gone the ministry needed to continue. The disciples were meant to carry it out and they did because here we are.

And so we add to the ripple, laboring and training those around us so that they can step up to take our place. Letting down our guard and sharing life, proving to them that we are for real. Encouraging them to do the same and affirming the fruit we see.

This was a revelation to me, my intentionality is small and must grow.

To the ladies above, thank you for opening up your hearts and sharing your wisdom. You have no idea how much your transparency and encouragement means.

My generation craves it. We need to hear your stories, the good and the bad, because we learn from your words.

Thanks for sitting in the back, pouring out your heart and listening to me do the same, you know who you are.

Love you all.

New Life, New Leaves

I love this time of year. It's beautiful and screams life. One day the trees have little buds on them and then the next day...


Boom! Green!

When does it even happen? I like to imagine that the trees plan it, they choose a date and then one of them at midnight says, "ready, set, go," and they fling out their leaves in unison.

These are the things I think about when I drive down the road.

I watch this happen every year, the continual renewal, the dead being brought to life, but I can't seem to apply it on the inside.

I became new at 19, a broken mess on my bed, eyes full of tears and a bible before me, the next three months were a detoxification in the physical and the emotional sense of the life I had lived. I started walking differently, I became a different person, a new person.

I was turning green, coming into real life.

As Christians I feel we forget this, we wonder why we struggle with the same sins over and over. Why the same thoughts creep into our minds, ones that are not "Christ-like," we feel guilty for being the same.

Why can I still not love this person like you do Jesus? Why can't I just be a good wife and not nag my husband when he leaves his stuff all over the kitchen counter? Why can't I just be content with what I have and not jealous of those that have more? Why am I still not trusting you with even the little things? Why am I still worrying and trying to control all aspects of my life instead of releasing it to you?

These changes won't happen over night. Our growth and newness is not a one time deal.

Lately, I've been beating myself up for the way that I still am. I guess I had this expectation that some of the struggles I have would have been non-existent by now. He's so patient with me yet I am not with myself.

Sanctification is a life long process, I'm not going to always love the way I should, extend grace when needed, say the right things, have pure motives or be a good wife, daughter or friend.

Because I'm imperfect and because the ugly isn't going to be removed all at once. And truthfully, some days I won't let Him remove it, which adds to my ugly all the more.

I am green and new in one season and then in the next He allows the aspects of me that don't reflect him to fall off so the good can grow in.

And then it happens all over again. Every year, I'm going to have to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.

Hearts and Heavenly Rewards

If only that were easier said than done, the losing heart part.

I am completely a people person. One of my gifts is compassion (or so I've been told), however, the enemy likes to twist this to his benefit, making me hurt so much when someone else does.

My flesh wants to fix all the broken around me, make it better, to the point where its unhealthy.

Celebrate Recovery would tell me to stop owning other's "stuff," Rana would tell me it's not in my domain.

We were sitting outside at camp, I was 17 she was probably 28. Lani was my small group leader. I shared my struggle with her, she could tell, I thought I did a good job of hiding it, apparently not. That was our first genuine heart to heart. I remember truly liking her then, we had talked some before, but never like this.

When walls start falling down that's when you really start to know someone. This was that moment for me, she knew my mess because she shared the same one earlier on.

I bet Lani thought I'd walk different after that week in Colorado. Surely, it was hard when I didn't. I went back to the partying not long after, when you're young and naive and broken that life is alluring.

It gives off the illusion that it will make things better and temporarily it does but eventually it crashes.

Lani never saw the fruit of her labor. Last I heard she moved to Hawaii, I wish I could tell her I turned out alright and that I get it now.

As believers we are called to love others, to pour into and disciple along the way as well.

 But the outcome of that doesn't rest on us. It belongs to the Lord, He allows us to be a part of His plan but He's still the One in charge.

 This is hard because when we invest we want to see the fruit of it, maybe though, we need to learn to be content with the fact that we won't, at least not with everyone or in this life.

The trials we endure (which includes the aches and pains of our relationships) are achieving for us an eternal glory that is worth so much more then any earthly reward.

This should be encouraging to us and make us want to pour out all the more.

Now I just need to learn how to do that without taking on the outcome.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galations 6:9 

Turning off the Loud

Stepping back and disconnecting every so often is a good thing, but even then I end up feeling anxious and not knowing what to do with my hands. I must have checked the weather on my phone several times a day. The Instagram and Facebook buttons were off limits and it wasn't until they were gone that I realized how often my thumb subconsciously moved towards them. So I'd catch myself and hit the weather instead. 

I knew all about the storm, more than most I'm sure of it. 


Todd was gone for the week leading a mission trip in Texas. I didnt' want him to come home to a vegetable of a wife who zoned out on Pinterest and Facebook five nights in a row while watching documentaries on Netflix.


I have given up Facebook before but this time was harder because Pinterest, Instagram and Stumble Upon have been added to the mix. Stumble Upon will be the death of me, I guess it isn't so much social media as it is mindless entertainment. I can laugh and cry at the touch of a button, stumbling onto the next topic that is equally as unimportant as the previous one.


I grew up watching The Wonder Years and for whatever reason I thought high school for me would be like it was for them. Waiting at home for boys to call, twirling the curly cord around my fingers, passing notes in class and getting caught. 

But throughout adolescence I was connected. Cell phones kept me from waiting around and note passing was soon replaced by texting, instant responses that often resulted in my phone being taken up in class. 

My generation doesn't know how to turn off, our phones are an extension of our arm. 

One thing I am so thankful for is the fact that Facebook wasn't around until I hit college. I remember when I first heard of it, I was at the lake with friends, someone mentioned it and explained the purpose, facebook, I thought, what a dumb name. 

I look at those younger in my generation and feel for them. I remember a world without these things, they do not. 

How much harder is it for us to hear that Still Small Voice when we have all this loud around us? 

I could feel my soul needing the quiet and my mind needing the rest. I feel refreshed, maybe it's your turn.  

Jehovah Jira - The Lord will provide

Of course He will, it's been one of His many names since the beginning of time. But for whatever reason I often doubt His provision, worrying myself into a frenzy. 


 I hate that I do this, He's provided for us in so many ways, our jobs, our home, money when we really needed it, I could go on and on, but when you're in the middle of the mess it's harder to focus on those things. 

Lately we've been dealing my dumb car. I'm so over it, not true actually, it's consumed my thoughts for two weeks now. It makes me wish we lived somewhere with public transit. Causing me to daydream of Portland and New York City. The land where no car troubles exist because everyone walks to work, catches the bus or rides their bike. They give smiles and high fives and I'm pretty sure when they're on the bus they break out into song.

Last week I was able to watch God show up in tangible ways, He used these instances to get my attention, reminding me He WILL provide. So thankful I could see it, here's a few stories. 


One of the missionaries from our church came in to Mama Carmen's to buy coffee equipment for his shop across the ocean. Even with the employee discount the price was high. He stood in line ready to hand me his card and instead a woman from our congregation who was right behind him handed out hers. She insisted on paying saying she had been blessed and wanted to bless him in return. He was thankful and she a joyful giver. 


I left work that day happy, watching His name become more real. 


Literally right after this I head to the Greenways for Amazing Race night, I am bringing dessert (why I signed up for the thing I gave up for Lent no one knows). I swing into Neighborhood Market and the lines at every register are ridiculously long. 


I opt for self-check out, where everyone is in a hurry and aware of those behind them. There is an older lady, I'd guess in her seventies checking out, a man behind her in his forties then myself. She checks out all her items and her card isn't working, you can tell the man is impatient, he flags down a cashier and still no luck. It's her card not the machine. 


Poor woman, she had just bagged up all these items, that are now sitting in a cart and she has no way to pay for them. She calls who I assume is her husband and works her way over to the return counter. 


The man turns around to me, "You were so patient through all of that." I wasn't really, I was lost in the trash magazine I had picked up to pass the time. I tuned in when the cashier walked off and when I heard the lady on the phone upset. 


"I feel bad for her, it  kind of makes me want to just pay for it," I said. He stared at me for a minute, "You know, me too." He grabbed his bag, walked over to the return counter and handed her $100. 


I watched the Holy Spirit nudge that man and heard God remind me of His name. 


Same week, I borrow my boss and her husbands old car. When I say old, please understand I mean old--22 years to be exact. It's like my age and they endearingly call it "Pinky." 


They were so sweet to let me borrow it. I kind of felt like I belonged in an Indie movie when I drove it around, so it fulfilled a little side dream of mine, ridiculous I know. But really, can't you see it?

Well I'd had it for 3 days and when I tried to leave a friends house last Saturday it wouldn't start. I was so frustrated/felt terrible, is this my fault?! What did I do? It's midnight, I want to go home! 


They were gracious of course, after church the next day we drive out there and still no luck. Chad tries all the tricks, but Pinky is a goner. Fast forward a week, Chad and Angela head out to tow Pinky, praying it will work.


Chad gets in, turns the key and immediately it starts! The week before it wouldn't even turn over, once again He provides. 


To top all of this off, Todd and I received some extra money, enough to cover the majority of what it will cost to fix my car. 


He comes through, He provides, He proves it. 


Even in the littlest ways. I wonder how much things like this happen around us and we just don't notice. How often are we really tuned into His provision?


My faith feels small. No bow on this one.