I can't get Bob Dylan's "The Times They are A-Changin," out of my head. Partly because every other song Todd sings is one of Bob's and also because things are about to change around the Sisson home. A lot.
Everyone who has kids says, "Then there will come a day when you cannot even remember life without them." And truly, that's the weirdest thing to me. Because this life, the one I'm in now is the only one I know.
I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that in 5 weeks (give or take) there will be a little human in the world that carries bits of me and the person I love in her. So imagining what life will be like without her...I can't fathom it.
Pregnancy has been a strange journey, 9 full on months to just think all the time and forget everything simultaneously.
Physically, I've had it relatively easy. Emotionally and hormonally not so much. Everyone is different and there were days where I would have traded in morning sickness times 10 to not feel so sad. Never, ever, sadness over becoming pregnant, I was so joyful about that. But Satan is cheap and likes to take things, so any amount of joy I had was stolen and replaced with it's opposite. I remained in that state for probably 4 months.
I've always been the kick and scream type in trials, beg and plead for it to go away. I like to look back and then process what I learned, but not during, if that makes sense. Paul, says we need to learn to be content regardless of the circumstance (Philippians 4:12), and I truly during this time of trial wanted to do that.
To be okay with the fact that sometimes the word on repeat is endurance not deliverance. I absolutely think we serve a God who desires to deliver us from our troubles but I think sometimes we're called to endure because this is where growth occurs. No matter the source of the pain.
And isn't that always what we want? Deep down? To grow in our faith?
I lost my voice during all of that. Mulling over those things among others (mama thoughts). Looking back now, especially, I can say it was a mild depression. That feels weird to type out and kind of hard to admit for some reason.
We gloss over the sad way too much. Put our best foots forward especially online. Hair done, clean house, smooth words. When I get annoyed about that, sometimes, I'll remind myself that we live in a broken world and that their life is a mess in some way or another. Is that bad? It's kind of comforting, especially on the days where all you want is for someone else to say "life is really hard," alongside you.
So deliverance came, but not without a seemingly long season of endurance leading up to it.
I've learned a lot about myself in the past 8 months or so. But even more so about Jesus. He loves us too much to let us remain the same and it's those low places where we become pliable enough to bear his image. To be made to look more like Him in the end.
I recently read a book called, "Tipping our Kings," by Jack Crabtree it was wonderful and the fact that I'm friends with the wife's writer made it all the more enjoyable to read. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone wrestling with doubt or walking alongside someone who is.
Jack said something that really spoke to me...
"It is important to keep in mind that the "fair" thing for God to do would be to not allow any of us to be saved. We are all fallen. We deserve eternal separation from Him--that would be just."
All too often I think we feel entitled. To the big like Jack mentions but also to the little, because truthfully we deserve a constant valley. This should make the times on the mountaintops that much sweeter, what a gift that we can experience grace like that in this life.
And this weekends purpose is a celebration of that exact grace. We are so loved.
Happy Easter.
-Kelsey
