There is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build up,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
It does my heart good to write it out, even if we may not share the same beliefs, I think most can share the comfort offered in those words. Share in the hope that things change, from the good to the bad and back again, because that's just life.
This is the season of tearing down my distrust.
I've had a car headache since March. To make a long story short we totaled our car 4 months after we bought it and then insurance offered us $2,000 less than what we paid for it and $3000 under the value. Blah, blah, blah...my life revolved around this for weeks.
It is what it is and in the scope of life it doesn't really matter, but at the time it did so much. Three weeks ago I sat out on our back porch pouting and I heard that still small voice say, "Would you rather have what you paid for your car or would you rather learn how to trust me?"
I know when I hear it, when it isn't my conscious, it's sweeter than my own voice, pierces directly to my heart and then spreads, a strange feeling I've learned to recognize.
I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp. She enters her own season of counting blessings, all thousand of them, during this seasons switch and things are hard, she says it better than I ever could...
"Lord...that I'd day after day greedily take what looks like it's good from Your hand -- a child gloating over sweet candy..." My voice catches hard. I've been a thief, trying to hoard away all the good. "...but that I'd thrash wild to escape when what You give from Your hand feels bad -- like gravel in the mouth. Oh Father, forgive...Should I accept what is good from you, and not trouble?" (Job 2:10)I knew in that pitch black porch moment that I had to stop thrashing and accept it, trusting that he does make ALL things work together for His good, even what feels bad. The opportunity had been presented to learn that lesson, I had the choice, so I chose the latter.
Me, Kelsey Sisson, who follows our online budget like a lion stalking prey, who had found an unhealthy security in a savings account suddenly didn't care at all what we were given for that silly car, knowing it would work out.
I realized I hadn't been trusting God to provide for us, I was trusting money itself, which in turn manifested into a distrust of Him. Are you tracking? God can just as easily provide a car out of thin air, it isn't the money that provides its the hand behind it.
And even then, even in this choice I was given He still chose to bless us with what we paid for the car. He could have let it work out like that on the front end. But he loves us too much to let us remain, he takes us through the above seasons to teach us, mold us, shape us.
In the end we were able to buy an ever nicer car then the one we had previously, in better condition with less miles.
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Heart full and feeling blessed.
The kicker...
I wrote this Saturday night and literally as I was wrapping up that last sentence received one of those texts that makes your heart land in your stomach. I've been knee deep in a situation since January, really just completely in over my head, but for whatever reason I may not understand the Lord's kept me in it.
Man, this world is a straight up mess.
This season isn't over, continuing to be built up in the way of trust. Learning to accept not only the good but the seemingly bad too.
Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
Psalm 125:1
-Kels
