Holy, Holy, Holy

Heaven and earth are full
Full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows
Full of Your glory, Your glory
Oh, blessed is He who reigns
Full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup it can't contain
All of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna, we are found
After all you are 

Holy, Holy
Oh, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy 

-David Cowder
"After All Holy"  

You know how there are certain songs that convict you/make you think about things you never have before?

Thank you David Crowder for letting you heart pour out into song and thank you Lord for using this to let me see things how they really are.

"Kelsey, you do everything in your power to make sure things are perfect, you work so hard to never be wrong so you can always be right, isn't it exhausting always striving?"

Truth. As much as I hate hearing it at the time I am thankful for those in my life who are willing to point it out. Iron sharpening iron and yes, it is absolutely exhausting.

I went into the retreat carrying the weight of those words.

As we sang "Holy, Holy, Holy," I came to this realization, I will never be perfect, my striving is pointless, there is a Holiness up high that I (or you) cannot attain.

When I let the honesty of that sink in, really sink in, I felt an overwhelming peace. That in my mess, I am completely pleasing to the Lord. He isn't asking me to strive and try harder to be a better person, he doesn't define me by my works, He is concerned with my heart and the most important thing about me is that I am His daughter.

After talking to other women it's apparent that so many of us are like this. Trying so hard to reach perfection, setting a standard for ourselves that He isn't setting for us.

Striving after things that are never going to fulfill us. And when that pursuit falls through we'll be looking for the next thing to define us or the next item on our list to complete without flaw so we can sit back and feel flawless as well.

I don't know what things will look like in the next life, but in this one we are told His grace is sufficient. I just want to be able to walk in that.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 

Thoughts on Motherhood

Whenever I was little I truly thought I had a gift with children that no one else possessed. I remember when it started too. I was in second grade and was helping with the toddlers at church, there was one little girl who would not stop crying, all of the adults had tried but nothing changed.

So I went up to the little girl and started talking to her, offering my comfort, I listed off the things her mother probably loved about her, for whatever reason it worked.

The little girl calmed down and from then on I knew I was going to be a great mom, isn't it funny the things we remember?

Now here I am at 24 years old and ever since we got married the idea of having children has terrified me. Maybe it's because now its a possibility. It feels weird even voicing that, aren't all "Christian" women supposed to have this natural bend towards motherhood?

But I haven't yet, I'm comfortable and...selfish. I'll totally own that one, not my most endearing quality I know. I like the fact that Todd and I can make dinner plans on the fly, I like that I'm the only person I'm responsible for in the mornings and I like that my downstairs is almost always picked up.

I know that once we have children, those things will change and to be honest I'm struggling with the thought of it. I hate the selfishness that's inside of me and this subject makes it evident which I hate even more.

For the past few months Todd and I have begun praying about the "subject," for God's wisdom and timing. I'm good with this, praying, because it means my heart is softening.

I can feel God tugging and desiring my release.

This past week I sat in the doctors office, about 75% positive I was pregnant, I had the appointment anyways but for obvious reasons wanted this looked into.

Leading up to it, I went back and forth with God, "You would do it like this, spring it on me so I have no choice but to accept it and I will You know I will."

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the baby pictures on my doctors walls, babies she's delivered I assume and I kind of accepted it, I could do this I thought, if this is what it's about God, I'm okay with being a mom.

It was negative but my thoughts toward it were not.

The next day a sweet friend prayed for me, specifically that Todd and I would trust the Lord with planning a family and that He would prepare our hearts.

Afterward, I asked how she knew Todd and I were starting to pray about this, when she said she didn't, I knew it was just another prod.

He's got my attention and I'm beginning to bend.

Caving

Two years ago I said I'd never have a blog. I was content just writing for The Global Shoppe, but personally, the idea intimidated me. I think this is because I'm much too hard on myself, I over analyze, I put everything I do and say underneath a microscope until I've picked it apart completely. 

It's annoying, even this, here I am on the first post and I've already deleted and re-written, deleted and re-written. But I'm used to it, it's a part of who I am. I'm creativive yet a thinker, not entirely left or right side, maybe I'm middle, is that possible? The line that divides the sides has to count for something.

My husband and I are not alike in this way. He is capable of turning off his mind and thinking about nothing, maybe all men are like this, but Todd is gifted when it comes to retreating.

I'll often ask him what he's thinking about, hoping I'll get a good conversation out of the question. He'll reply, "Nothing," "Really? Nothing at all?" "Nope, nothing."

Can you imagine thinking about nothing? I bet it's the best, peace and quiet on the inside.

I am starting this blog because I am not like the past few sentences. My mind is loud and I need an outlet.

I don't have any expectations with this, I might really enjoy it, I might delete it in a month.

We'll see.