Thoughts on Motherhood

Whenever I was little I truly thought I had a gift with children that no one else possessed. I remember when it started too. I was in second grade and was helping with the toddlers at church, there was one little girl who would not stop crying, all of the adults had tried but nothing changed.

So I went up to the little girl and started talking to her, offering my comfort, I listed off the things her mother probably loved about her, for whatever reason it worked.

The little girl calmed down and from then on I knew I was going to be a great mom, isn't it funny the things we remember?

Now here I am at 24 years old and ever since we got married the idea of having children has terrified me. Maybe it's because now its a possibility. It feels weird even voicing that, aren't all "Christian" women supposed to have this natural bend towards motherhood?

But I haven't yet, I'm comfortable and...selfish. I'll totally own that one, not my most endearing quality I know. I like the fact that Todd and I can make dinner plans on the fly, I like that I'm the only person I'm responsible for in the mornings and I like that my downstairs is almost always picked up.

I know that once we have children, those things will change and to be honest I'm struggling with the thought of it. I hate the selfishness that's inside of me and this subject makes it evident which I hate even more.

For the past few months Todd and I have begun praying about the "subject," for God's wisdom and timing. I'm good with this, praying, because it means my heart is softening.

I can feel God tugging and desiring my release.

This past week I sat in the doctors office, about 75% positive I was pregnant, I had the appointment anyways but for obvious reasons wanted this looked into.

Leading up to it, I went back and forth with God, "You would do it like this, spring it on me so I have no choice but to accept it and I will You know I will."

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the baby pictures on my doctors walls, babies she's delivered I assume and I kind of accepted it, I could do this I thought, if this is what it's about God, I'm okay with being a mom.

It was negative but my thoughts toward it were not.

The next day a sweet friend prayed for me, specifically that Todd and I would trust the Lord with planning a family and that He would prepare our hearts.

Afterward, I asked how she knew Todd and I were starting to pray about this, when she said she didn't, I knew it was just another prod.

He's got my attention and I'm beginning to bend.