Hearts and Heavenly Rewards

If only that were easier said than done, the losing heart part.

I am completely a people person. One of my gifts is compassion (or so I've been told), however, the enemy likes to twist this to his benefit, making me hurt so much when someone else does.

My flesh wants to fix all the broken around me, make it better, to the point where its unhealthy.

Celebrate Recovery would tell me to stop owning other's "stuff," Rana would tell me it's not in my domain.

We were sitting outside at camp, I was 17 she was probably 28. Lani was my small group leader. I shared my struggle with her, she could tell, I thought I did a good job of hiding it, apparently not. That was our first genuine heart to heart. I remember truly liking her then, we had talked some before, but never like this.

When walls start falling down that's when you really start to know someone. This was that moment for me, she knew my mess because she shared the same one earlier on.

I bet Lani thought I'd walk different after that week in Colorado. Surely, it was hard when I didn't. I went back to the partying not long after, when you're young and naive and broken that life is alluring.

It gives off the illusion that it will make things better and temporarily it does but eventually it crashes.

Lani never saw the fruit of her labor. Last I heard she moved to Hawaii, I wish I could tell her I turned out alright and that I get it now.

As believers we are called to love others, to pour into and disciple along the way as well.

 But the outcome of that doesn't rest on us. It belongs to the Lord, He allows us to be a part of His plan but He's still the One in charge.

 This is hard because when we invest we want to see the fruit of it, maybe though, we need to learn to be content with the fact that we won't, at least not with everyone or in this life.

The trials we endure (which includes the aches and pains of our relationships) are achieving for us an eternal glory that is worth so much more then any earthly reward.

This should be encouraging to us and make us want to pour out all the more.

Now I just need to learn how to do that without taking on the outcome.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galations 6:9 

Turning off the Loud

Stepping back and disconnecting every so often is a good thing, but even then I end up feeling anxious and not knowing what to do with my hands. I must have checked the weather on my phone several times a day. The Instagram and Facebook buttons were off limits and it wasn't until they were gone that I realized how often my thumb subconsciously moved towards them. So I'd catch myself and hit the weather instead. 

I knew all about the storm, more than most I'm sure of it. 


Todd was gone for the week leading a mission trip in Texas. I didnt' want him to come home to a vegetable of a wife who zoned out on Pinterest and Facebook five nights in a row while watching documentaries on Netflix.


I have given up Facebook before but this time was harder because Pinterest, Instagram and Stumble Upon have been added to the mix. Stumble Upon will be the death of me, I guess it isn't so much social media as it is mindless entertainment. I can laugh and cry at the touch of a button, stumbling onto the next topic that is equally as unimportant as the previous one.


I grew up watching The Wonder Years and for whatever reason I thought high school for me would be like it was for them. Waiting at home for boys to call, twirling the curly cord around my fingers, passing notes in class and getting caught. 

But throughout adolescence I was connected. Cell phones kept me from waiting around and note passing was soon replaced by texting, instant responses that often resulted in my phone being taken up in class. 

My generation doesn't know how to turn off, our phones are an extension of our arm. 

One thing I am so thankful for is the fact that Facebook wasn't around until I hit college. I remember when I first heard of it, I was at the lake with friends, someone mentioned it and explained the purpose, facebook, I thought, what a dumb name. 

I look at those younger in my generation and feel for them. I remember a world without these things, they do not. 

How much harder is it for us to hear that Still Small Voice when we have all this loud around us? 

I could feel my soul needing the quiet and my mind needing the rest. I feel refreshed, maybe it's your turn.  

Jehovah Jira - The Lord will provide

Of course He will, it's been one of His many names since the beginning of time. But for whatever reason I often doubt His provision, worrying myself into a frenzy. 


 I hate that I do this, He's provided for us in so many ways, our jobs, our home, money when we really needed it, I could go on and on, but when you're in the middle of the mess it's harder to focus on those things. 

Lately we've been dealing my dumb car. I'm so over it, not true actually, it's consumed my thoughts for two weeks now. It makes me wish we lived somewhere with public transit. Causing me to daydream of Portland and New York City. The land where no car troubles exist because everyone walks to work, catches the bus or rides their bike. They give smiles and high fives and I'm pretty sure when they're on the bus they break out into song.

Last week I was able to watch God show up in tangible ways, He used these instances to get my attention, reminding me He WILL provide. So thankful I could see it, here's a few stories. 


One of the missionaries from our church came in to Mama Carmen's to buy coffee equipment for his shop across the ocean. Even with the employee discount the price was high. He stood in line ready to hand me his card and instead a woman from our congregation who was right behind him handed out hers. She insisted on paying saying she had been blessed and wanted to bless him in return. He was thankful and she a joyful giver. 


I left work that day happy, watching His name become more real. 


Literally right after this I head to the Greenways for Amazing Race night, I am bringing dessert (why I signed up for the thing I gave up for Lent no one knows). I swing into Neighborhood Market and the lines at every register are ridiculously long. 


I opt for self-check out, where everyone is in a hurry and aware of those behind them. There is an older lady, I'd guess in her seventies checking out, a man behind her in his forties then myself. She checks out all her items and her card isn't working, you can tell the man is impatient, he flags down a cashier and still no luck. It's her card not the machine. 


Poor woman, she had just bagged up all these items, that are now sitting in a cart and she has no way to pay for them. She calls who I assume is her husband and works her way over to the return counter. 


The man turns around to me, "You were so patient through all of that." I wasn't really, I was lost in the trash magazine I had picked up to pass the time. I tuned in when the cashier walked off and when I heard the lady on the phone upset. 


"I feel bad for her, it  kind of makes me want to just pay for it," I said. He stared at me for a minute, "You know, me too." He grabbed his bag, walked over to the return counter and handed her $100. 


I watched the Holy Spirit nudge that man and heard God remind me of His name. 


Same week, I borrow my boss and her husbands old car. When I say old, please understand I mean old--22 years to be exact. It's like my age and they endearingly call it "Pinky." 


They were so sweet to let me borrow it. I kind of felt like I belonged in an Indie movie when I drove it around, so it fulfilled a little side dream of mine, ridiculous I know. But really, can't you see it?

Well I'd had it for 3 days and when I tried to leave a friends house last Saturday it wouldn't start. I was so frustrated/felt terrible, is this my fault?! What did I do? It's midnight, I want to go home! 


They were gracious of course, after church the next day we drive out there and still no luck. Chad tries all the tricks, but Pinky is a goner. Fast forward a week, Chad and Angela head out to tow Pinky, praying it will work.


Chad gets in, turns the key and immediately it starts! The week before it wouldn't even turn over, once again He provides. 


To top all of this off, Todd and I received some extra money, enough to cover the majority of what it will cost to fix my car. 


He comes through, He provides, He proves it. 


Even in the littlest ways. I wonder how much things like this happen around us and we just don't notice. How often are we really tuned into His provision?


My faith feels small. No bow on this one. 

On Being Grown Up

Whenever I was a kid I thought my parents only responsibility or concern was Alex and myself. They went to work to avoid boredom while we were at school.

We didn't grow up going on crazy vacations. Twice a year we would go to Minnesota to see our grandparents, once in the summer and once in the winter.

 The first time I remember going somewhere besides there was when I was in 6th grade, we went to Gulf Shores. My parents told us that we were going up north to see our grandparents and instead took us to Alabama.

As we moved closer to the gulf they would list the states we were passing through, I sat in the back oblivious. I thought Mississippi and Missouri were the same thing. We had just moved from Colorado to Arkansas and the surrounding states were unknown to me, outside of the mountains I didn't really care. I had also been home schooled for two years so my geography skills, or lack thereof, gave my dad reason to poke fun at my mom.

(It wasn't her fault, I still have a terrible sense of direction and if I haven't been to your house more then four times I'm going to get lost. Mapquest masks this now, in earlier years I just looked like an idiot).

Twelve years later I'm standing in the kitchen of my parents old house explaining to my mother how vacation days work (as if she doesn't know). "So I have two weeks, which you think is fourteen days, but it's really only ten days, because it's a five day work week. So it's just a lot to think about how to use them, where to use them, ya know?"

"Kelsey, why do you think we went to Minnesota all those years? We had two weeks to see family."

I had honestly never thought about it. When you are a kid you see things through  a different lens. And I miss that point of view. The one where leaving for a week doesn't cost you anything and where earning money means making your bed and putting your clothes in the hamper.

I miss getting anxious because I have one worksheet to finish before I can watch Power Rangers and pretend I am the pink one (or the yellow one when Chelsea's around otherwise she'll cry).


The older you get, the heavier things become. People, circumstances and life in general affect you so much more.

Somedays I just want to go back to being seven, crawl underneath my covers and stay there.

I know God created us this way. To grow up (this sounds so silly to type) and experience these different seasons of life. It's a journey and you age in the process. This week however, was one where I wanted to revert and have my parents do everything like the first few seasons.

I guess this is normal though, I'm still adjusting to the stage Todd and I are at now. Trying to put on my grown up lens and embrace it, mortgage, taxes, car troubles and all.

Responsibility is loud unavoidable.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Dear Todd,

You are not a worry-er, we are opposite in this way, I am glad for it though, if we were both like me we'd be in trouble. However, if we were both like you I think it'd be a good thing, I'm working on it, you know that. I am halfway confident that if our house was on fire you would direct us out with ease. I love this about you. It makes me feel safe, you are good at calming me down and bringing me back to reality.

Thank you for that. You did this tonight, you know what I'm talking about.


I love listening to you talk on Sunday mornings. You are so gifted and so creative Todd, I could never do what you do. You're in your element with this job, I love seeing God use you like He is.

I love/think it's a little ridiculous how much you watch Fever Pitch. Why do you like it so much? Honestly. I don't think I can count the number of times you've watched it since we got married.

I love that whenever you get nervous you take the middle of your shirt and stick it over your nose. Only those that know you will know what I am talking about right now. It's quirky and reminds me of my childhood, of the little neighbor boy Kyle who used to stick the middle of his shirt in his mouth. He'd walk around with a wet ring all the time, it was weird, yours isn't quite that weird, but it brings me back to Colorado. I don't think I've ever told you that.

I love that you tricked me. You don't really like facebook and you actually aren't really ever on it at all. You just did that so you could try to talk to me before we started dating.

Speaking of all that, Todd I love that the first few months of our relationship were a trial. I cried a lot at the start of us, you were okay with it though, you understood and felt the weight of it all too. I knew then that we would get married. I am so thankful for that, it forced us to consider our intentions. You watched God refine me that year and I watched him do the same with you.

"She's married to the guy with the bright eyes who is always smiling." I love that the leader of our church described you like that.

I love that you do the dishes.

I love how much you love family, unconditionally, you're a good son and a good brother. I am so thankful that you are now a part of mine, or ours...? Your family is now mine and my family is yours, it's been two years and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that.

I love that we have never gone to bed angry. We might sit there in silence for an hour, me crying, because that's what I do and you awkwardly fidgeting  with the pillow because that's what you do. But we always reach the end of it, I love that. I don't want that part of us to change.

I love your obsession with checking the weather.

I love that you want to pray about everything. It's always an immediate response for you, it's caused me to want to pray more, you're sharpening me.

I love your sense of humor. I am probably the only person who laughs at all of the dumb songs you make up.

I love that you are disconnected from social media, I'll have to tell you to read this. I'm looking forward to the conversation to follow, you won't write back, at least not on here, you're private like that.

I love you.

Kelsey