"No, no there isn't...I'm pretty sure, no there's not."
"Are you sure? Because if you are this can be very harmful to a baby, why don't you take a test just in case." She led me to the white tile bathroom, the cold kind, couldn't they just try to make it a little homier? A picture, a candle, anything.
Insurance is finally paying to have my back taken care of since my wreck...and really with this? I take the cup and a bottle of water and head in, this is silly, but protocol I'm sure so I won't fight it.
I walk back into the x-ray room and am told it would be best for me to go back to the doctors office and they'll be with me shortly.
There is no way, my mind starts racing. It's not that, no we said we'd stop preventing but it happens later...it always happens later, like a year, stop freaking out Kelsey.
I wait for what seems like an eternity. The door opens with a grin, "it's positive." And all I can do is laugh.
I'm not big on surprises. My mom once told me this story of herself in grade school. It was Christmas time and one night she went and got all her presents out from underneath the tree, sat in the closet and unwrapped all of them, saw the goods, then carefully wrapped them back up.
It's genetic. We like knowing things.
So naturally, God would yell surprise! from heaven.
Because isn't His timeline and plan always the best one? Even when it doesn't fit into our own? (and let's be honest, does it ever?)
I leave and track down Todd so we can relish in this moment together. Wide eyed and wondering if this is when parenthood begins. A baby? Like a real one??
This has been a fun three months. And a WHOLE three months I might add, the doctor said she thinks its the earliest she's even caught a pregnancy. I hadn't even missed yet.
The fact that God is really watching this baby take form is fascinating to me. But its really given me this whole new perspective on His love for us that I have never thought about before, He LOVES this little baby, because he already KNOWS this baby. Everything about it, everyday, from the first heartbeat to the last breath. He loves us before anyone else ever has the chance to.
Can you wrap your mind around that? You were KNOWN before you ever were. Let it boggle. God loves this child more than I ever can or ever will, and He beat me to it.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
For three months I've been wondering when I would begin to love this little baby, when does that start? Maybe its different for everyone, but for me I am still in process. As the baby grows so does my love, we share that, growth in the different ways.
Hearing the heartbeat helped. We recorded it and I could listen to it on repeat.
Of course there are still fears and the wondering if everything is still okay. I wish you could rent those heartbeat hearers, I'd just walk around with it all the time, just to make sure.
But then it wouldn't cultivate trust in me with my God, which is desperately needed, in all areas of my life.
He's growing that in me too, there's a lot of growing going on around here.
Love,
Kels
