New Life, New Leaves

I love this time of year. It's beautiful and screams life. One day the trees have little buds on them and then the next day...


Boom! Green!

When does it even happen? I like to imagine that the trees plan it, they choose a date and then one of them at midnight says, "ready, set, go," and they fling out their leaves in unison.

These are the things I think about when I drive down the road.

I watch this happen every year, the continual renewal, the dead being brought to life, but I can't seem to apply it on the inside.

I became new at 19, a broken mess on my bed, eyes full of tears and a bible before me, the next three months were a detoxification in the physical and the emotional sense of the life I had lived. I started walking differently, I became a different person, a new person.

I was turning green, coming into real life.

As Christians I feel we forget this, we wonder why we struggle with the same sins over and over. Why the same thoughts creep into our minds, ones that are not "Christ-like," we feel guilty for being the same.

Why can I still not love this person like you do Jesus? Why can't I just be a good wife and not nag my husband when he leaves his stuff all over the kitchen counter? Why can't I just be content with what I have and not jealous of those that have more? Why am I still not trusting you with even the little things? Why am I still worrying and trying to control all aspects of my life instead of releasing it to you?

These changes won't happen over night. Our growth and newness is not a one time deal.

Lately, I've been beating myself up for the way that I still am. I guess I had this expectation that some of the struggles I have would have been non-existent by now. He's so patient with me yet I am not with myself.

Sanctification is a life long process, I'm not going to always love the way I should, extend grace when needed, say the right things, have pure motives or be a good wife, daughter or friend.

Because I'm imperfect and because the ugly isn't going to be removed all at once. And truthfully, some days I won't let Him remove it, which adds to my ugly all the more.

I am green and new in one season and then in the next He allows the aspects of me that don't reflect him to fall off so the good can grow in.

And then it happens all over again. Every year, I'm going to have to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.