On Being Grown Up

Whenever I was a kid I thought my parents only responsibility or concern was Alex and myself. They went to work to avoid boredom while we were at school.

We didn't grow up going on crazy vacations. Twice a year we would go to Minnesota to see our grandparents, once in the summer and once in the winter.

 The first time I remember going somewhere besides there was when I was in 6th grade, we went to Gulf Shores. My parents told us that we were going up north to see our grandparents and instead took us to Alabama.

As we moved closer to the gulf they would list the states we were passing through, I sat in the back oblivious. I thought Mississippi and Missouri were the same thing. We had just moved from Colorado to Arkansas and the surrounding states were unknown to me, outside of the mountains I didn't really care. I had also been home schooled for two years so my geography skills, or lack thereof, gave my dad reason to poke fun at my mom.

(It wasn't her fault, I still have a terrible sense of direction and if I haven't been to your house more then four times I'm going to get lost. Mapquest masks this now, in earlier years I just looked like an idiot).

Twelve years later I'm standing in the kitchen of my parents old house explaining to my mother how vacation days work (as if she doesn't know). "So I have two weeks, which you think is fourteen days, but it's really only ten days, because it's a five day work week. So it's just a lot to think about how to use them, where to use them, ya know?"

"Kelsey, why do you think we went to Minnesota all those years? We had two weeks to see family."

I had honestly never thought about it. When you are a kid you see things through  a different lens. And I miss that point of view. The one where leaving for a week doesn't cost you anything and where earning money means making your bed and putting your clothes in the hamper.

I miss getting anxious because I have one worksheet to finish before I can watch Power Rangers and pretend I am the pink one (or the yellow one when Chelsea's around otherwise she'll cry).


The older you get, the heavier things become. People, circumstances and life in general affect you so much more.

Somedays I just want to go back to being seven, crawl underneath my covers and stay there.

I know God created us this way. To grow up (this sounds so silly to type) and experience these different seasons of life. It's a journey and you age in the process. This week however, was one where I wanted to revert and have my parents do everything like the first few seasons.

I guess this is normal though, I'm still adjusting to the stage Todd and I are at now. Trying to put on my grown up lens and embrace it, mortgage, taxes, car troubles and all.

Responsibility is loud unavoidable.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Dear Todd,

You are not a worry-er, we are opposite in this way, I am glad for it though, if we were both like me we'd be in trouble. However, if we were both like you I think it'd be a good thing, I'm working on it, you know that. I am halfway confident that if our house was on fire you would direct us out with ease. I love this about you. It makes me feel safe, you are good at calming me down and bringing me back to reality.

Thank you for that. You did this tonight, you know what I'm talking about.


I love listening to you talk on Sunday mornings. You are so gifted and so creative Todd, I could never do what you do. You're in your element with this job, I love seeing God use you like He is.

I love/think it's a little ridiculous how much you watch Fever Pitch. Why do you like it so much? Honestly. I don't think I can count the number of times you've watched it since we got married.

I love that whenever you get nervous you take the middle of your shirt and stick it over your nose. Only those that know you will know what I am talking about right now. It's quirky and reminds me of my childhood, of the little neighbor boy Kyle who used to stick the middle of his shirt in his mouth. He'd walk around with a wet ring all the time, it was weird, yours isn't quite that weird, but it brings me back to Colorado. I don't think I've ever told you that.

I love that you tricked me. You don't really like facebook and you actually aren't really ever on it at all. You just did that so you could try to talk to me before we started dating.

Speaking of all that, Todd I love that the first few months of our relationship were a trial. I cried a lot at the start of us, you were okay with it though, you understood and felt the weight of it all too. I knew then that we would get married. I am so thankful for that, it forced us to consider our intentions. You watched God refine me that year and I watched him do the same with you.

"She's married to the guy with the bright eyes who is always smiling." I love that the leader of our church described you like that.

I love that you do the dishes.

I love how much you love family, unconditionally, you're a good son and a good brother. I am so thankful that you are now a part of mine, or ours...? Your family is now mine and my family is yours, it's been two years and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that.

I love that we have never gone to bed angry. We might sit there in silence for an hour, me crying, because that's what I do and you awkwardly fidgeting  with the pillow because that's what you do. But we always reach the end of it, I love that. I don't want that part of us to change.

I love your obsession with checking the weather.

I love that you want to pray about everything. It's always an immediate response for you, it's caused me to want to pray more, you're sharpening me.

I love your sense of humor. I am probably the only person who laughs at all of the dumb songs you make up.

I love that you are disconnected from social media, I'll have to tell you to read this. I'm looking forward to the conversation to follow, you won't write back, at least not on here, you're private like that.

I love you.

Kelsey

Holy, Holy, Holy

Heaven and earth are full
Full of Your glory, Your glory
My soul it overflows
Full of Your glory, Your glory
Oh, blessed is He who reigns
Full of Your glory, Your glory
My cup it can't contain
All of Your glory, Your glory
Hosanna, we are found
After all you are 

Holy, Holy
Oh, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy 

-David Cowder
"After All Holy"  

You know how there are certain songs that convict you/make you think about things you never have before?

Thank you David Crowder for letting you heart pour out into song and thank you Lord for using this to let me see things how they really are.

"Kelsey, you do everything in your power to make sure things are perfect, you work so hard to never be wrong so you can always be right, isn't it exhausting always striving?"

Truth. As much as I hate hearing it at the time I am thankful for those in my life who are willing to point it out. Iron sharpening iron and yes, it is absolutely exhausting.

I went into the retreat carrying the weight of those words.

As we sang "Holy, Holy, Holy," I came to this realization, I will never be perfect, my striving is pointless, there is a Holiness up high that I (or you) cannot attain.

When I let the honesty of that sink in, really sink in, I felt an overwhelming peace. That in my mess, I am completely pleasing to the Lord. He isn't asking me to strive and try harder to be a better person, he doesn't define me by my works, He is concerned with my heart and the most important thing about me is that I am His daughter.

After talking to other women it's apparent that so many of us are like this. Trying so hard to reach perfection, setting a standard for ourselves that He isn't setting for us.

Striving after things that are never going to fulfill us. And when that pursuit falls through we'll be looking for the next thing to define us or the next item on our list to complete without flaw so we can sit back and feel flawless as well.

I don't know what things will look like in the next life, but in this one we are told His grace is sufficient. I just want to be able to walk in that.

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9