On Doubting (I wish I could turn off my brain)

Wasn't everyone supposed to know? This was the basis of our faith. If I didn't understand why Jesus died on the cross by now, something was wrong with me. I had grown up in the church, surely this would soon click and make sense.

Questions pounded in my head like waves, but the fear of being known kept me from speaking up. 

For seven years I contained the things I died to ask, the questions that led to my doubts. 

Last weekend Todd and I went to a movie called Blue Like Jazz.

 (The book is better, but that's the way it always goes). 

The gist: 

Donald Miller (author) grows up a Southern Baptist, he moves out to Portland Oregon to attend Reed College, ends up losing his faith the first year and then comes back around. He learns how to live in a culture that rejects his faith and he even goes as far as apologizing to those on campus for how Christians have done so much damage. 

We left and the doubt pounded in, much like it used to, except now I process out loud with Todd. 

"I know God is real, I've experienced Him in my life and I feel Him, but when it comes to explaining that to someone else, mainly those who think I'm crazy for my beliefs I have no idea how to do that, how can you explain something you cannot see, I feel like I would be trying to convince someone of something not there, I know He is in my heart but I don't know how to convey that to others." I said. 

"Kelsey, it isn't your job to convince someone that this is real, they either accept it or they don't, that doesn't rest on you." 

"But can we be so sure of this, like 100%? Or is that what makes this faith?" 

"Whether you believe in God or not it's faith either way."

(Please say you think on these things too)  

I love him, that he'll listen and remind me these thoughts are okay, I used to shame myself so hard for thinking them, it's nice to be able to vocalize it when they roll in. 

Then the doubts crept in another way. The insecurity type doubt, the who reads my words kind. The realization that those who knew me from High School might find themselves here. Wondering what they must think of me now.

Because if you have found yourself here... you know all the things I've done. Do you judge me a little now? Or even think I am real? If these are your thoughts I understand because I've done nothing to earn your trust or approval.

On Sunday, a man shared his story. It began with drinking in middle school, marijuana in Jr. High and then cocaine in High School. His life began to spiral, to the point of cooking meth and running from the police. 

He was on the Missouri most wanted list and wanted in Arkansas for another set of crimes. He broke down one night, completely empty and spoke out loud "God, if you want me to go to prison I am ready." He was found the next morning and then began his journey of restoration. 

He is now married and holds a high up position at a well respected company. 

I was reminded that it's our stories of redemption that point to God, who I am now and who I was is not the same person. It's crazy and weird and I can't fully understand it. But I am most definitely different and the only thing I can attribute that to is Jesus. 

I don't have a magic set of words to tell you and you could probably murder me with science. I am okay with that, I loathed the subject anyways.

Neither can I convince you, but if you are willing and want to hear it I can tell you my story. 

I've got time if you do.

-Kels 

 P.S. Saturday's doubts make for a beautiful Sunday, not all for naught. 

Things Learned (the 2 year mark)

Today was our two year anniversary. I feel the same, much like a birthday, except we share in it. I do like that part, that it's our day.

We'll celebrate this weekend in Kansas City. Today you want to know what I asked Todd to do when we got off work? I asked if we could take Hosmer to the dog park together...you read that right. It's the little things with me.

The past two years have gone by crazy fast, I feel like we just left Mexico. Earlier today in Mama Carmen's I was talking to Julie Fish

"When does the honeymoon phase end?" I asked.

 She replied, "It should have already ended but the fact that you're asking that is a good thing." Haha.

I love being married to Todd. I have learned a lot and have miles more to go. I feel blessed that we have found so much joy in our marriage thus far.

Here is a little compilation of things learned the silly and the serious.

1.  Cooking isn't fun. I still don't like it. I do it, but I would rather craft. Does this get easier? Help. 
2. Todd reads more than anyone I know and he has to finish the book he started. This little known fact makes me want to figure out a way to get him to read the first few pages of something ridiculous. Lauren Conrad has fiction books out doesn't she?   
3. I have come to learn to treasure the times Todd can come to "big church," with me. They are few and far between when you work in ministry. 
4. Neither of us care if the top of the toothpaste tube is all clumped up with toothpaste. I was sure this would annoy him that I leave the top flipped open, nope, we are rebels with our hygiene. 
5. You can and should have a song for every occasion (made up of course). Todd is the best at this, I always think mine are original and then he has to point out that it's to such and such tune. 
6. Forgiveness is hard. 
7. Getting a dog was a good idea.
8. Todd a really good listener and doesn't care if a cry a lot. He is honest and doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. He shoots me with the truth. I love that about him. 
9. Friendships with your girlfriends just look different now. No one prepared me for that. I don't swing by my friends houses, knock once, walk in and ask them if they want to go to Eureka Springs on a whim anymore. I don't walk down the hall to Whitney's room crawl in her bed and laugh and cry with her till we fall asleep. Girl nights end with us all going home, not with a sleepover. It is still good but different from what I knew (M - thanks for chatting with me about this one, you're right it's weird and hard).
10. I like things in their proper place and have a hard time when things are messy, Todd exposes this. A couple of weeks ago Todd moved one of our dressers maybe an inch so he could plug in his computer. He was sitting on the bed, I walked in the room and stood there, scanning the perimeter.  My eyes zoned in on the dresser and I found it.  It freaked him out. "How can you even notice those things??" I don't know. But I can. And my mom can too. 
11. Taxes are the worst. 
12. I'm protective of my shampoo. I can share all other things, but the minute I smell biolage on Todd's head we have a problem. 
13. My emotions can be controlled. Just because I feel sad doesn't mean I need to let it dictate my day, just because I feel anxious doesn't mean I need to let that dictate my day either. I can say no to that feeling and choose to find refuge in Jesus.
14. The more we pray together, the more I like it. And I think we've gotten better at it, isn't that strange? But I really do. It's deeper, we are more in tuned to one another spiritually now then when we first got married. 

Here we go, entering the next year in just a few hours. 

Best, 

Kels 

Beth Moore: On Pink Shirts and Replacing Myself

Truly excited about this one. Fully encouraged and praying you too may feel the same. Here we go...

I went into the Beth Moore conference completely skeptical. There is something about someone being in the Christian limelight like she is that makes your wonder if its real or not. I don't think I could handle the pressure of being a a "Christian celebrity," because I'd feel my relationship with the Lord always needed to be perfect, an unending mountaintop.

Sure my past is a wreck, but now? No, now my biggest struggle is deciding where to fit in my second quiet time for the day. 


We sat down and watched woman after woman pile in, about 9,800 in all if that helps you wrap your mind around this.

A sea of pink, women in Beth Moore t-shirts. Awesome I thought, this is already confirming my stereotypes and the thing hasn't even started yet. 


And so we sang. When women sing in heaven it will sound like it did in that room, I am sure of it. As a collective our song was perfection. The final touch of creation singing as one. I've never heard anything like it. Rene said this is one of her favorite things about a women's conference, I can now see why.

Before Beth came out my mind started racing with judgement which I quickly quieted with scripture.

I question most things, it's the way I've always been. When God got my attention my sophomore year of college I told him I believed in Him but not in Jesus, I asked Him to be patient with me and show me that Jesus was who He said He was. 

For the next three months I inhaled the New Testament, He broke me down and I accepted Christ. Honestly, I like this about me for the most part, but it also manifests itself in skepticism which I don't like. 

So when she took the stage I was open, open to accepting who she really was not who I had made her out to be based on outside opinion. 

Beth is loud, animated and absolutely passionate about The Word, it's contagious. I don't think it is possible for someone to be in the bible as much as she is and not be changed by it. The Word is living and active and apparent in her life, you cannot fake that kind of passion.

I needed that confirmation and received it.

I work with a girl who is a rockstar at discipleship. I pray that her intentionality with people will float from her to me. Earlier in the week I asked her how she does it. I've been questioning that a lot lately how do you disciple someone the "right" way? Is there even a right way?

So naturally the entire weekend was about discipleship. Of course, because God does these things.

The message was from 1 Thessalonians. As believers we are meant to replace ourselves, we should always be training others up to do what we do.

Who are you training to take over your ministry? If something happens to you tomorrow do you have someone ready to step in? Because you should.

Doesn't that make you squirm and feel a little insecure? Isn't it nice feeling "needed?" Personally, I don't like the idea of training someone to do what I do because I have a fear they would be better at it than me, isn't that terribly selfish? I know it.

 Jesus taught the disciples to do what what He was doing because He knew He wouldn't always be there. Once He was gone the ministry needed to continue. The disciples were meant to carry it out and they did because here we are.

And so we add to the ripple, laboring and training those around us so that they can step up to take our place. Letting down our guard and sharing life, proving to them that we are for real. Encouraging them to do the same and affirming the fruit we see.

This was a revelation to me, my intentionality is small and must grow.

To the ladies above, thank you for opening up your hearts and sharing your wisdom. You have no idea how much your transparency and encouragement means.

My generation craves it. We need to hear your stories, the good and the bad, because we learn from your words.

Thanks for sitting in the back, pouring out your heart and listening to me do the same, you know who you are.

Love you all.

New Life, New Leaves

I love this time of year. It's beautiful and screams life. One day the trees have little buds on them and then the next day...


Boom! Green!

When does it even happen? I like to imagine that the trees plan it, they choose a date and then one of them at midnight says, "ready, set, go," and they fling out their leaves in unison.

These are the things I think about when I drive down the road.

I watch this happen every year, the continual renewal, the dead being brought to life, but I can't seem to apply it on the inside.

I became new at 19, a broken mess on my bed, eyes full of tears and a bible before me, the next three months were a detoxification in the physical and the emotional sense of the life I had lived. I started walking differently, I became a different person, a new person.

I was turning green, coming into real life.

As Christians I feel we forget this, we wonder why we struggle with the same sins over and over. Why the same thoughts creep into our minds, ones that are not "Christ-like," we feel guilty for being the same.

Why can I still not love this person like you do Jesus? Why can't I just be a good wife and not nag my husband when he leaves his stuff all over the kitchen counter? Why can't I just be content with what I have and not jealous of those that have more? Why am I still not trusting you with even the little things? Why am I still worrying and trying to control all aspects of my life instead of releasing it to you?

These changes won't happen over night. Our growth and newness is not a one time deal.

Lately, I've been beating myself up for the way that I still am. I guess I had this expectation that some of the struggles I have would have been non-existent by now. He's so patient with me yet I am not with myself.

Sanctification is a life long process, I'm not going to always love the way I should, extend grace when needed, say the right things, have pure motives or be a good wife, daughter or friend.

Because I'm imperfect and because the ugly isn't going to be removed all at once. And truthfully, some days I won't let Him remove it, which adds to my ugly all the more.

I am green and new in one season and then in the next He allows the aspects of me that don't reflect him to fall off so the good can grow in.

And then it happens all over again. Every year, I'm going to have to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.

Turning off the Loud

Stepping back and disconnecting every so often is a good thing, but even then I end up feeling anxious and not knowing what to do with my hands. I must have checked the weather on my phone several times a day. The Instagram and Facebook buttons were off limits and it wasn't until they were gone that I realized how often my thumb subconsciously moved towards them. So I'd catch myself and hit the weather instead. 

I knew all about the storm, more than most I'm sure of it. 


Todd was gone for the week leading a mission trip in Texas. I didnt' want him to come home to a vegetable of a wife who zoned out on Pinterest and Facebook five nights in a row while watching documentaries on Netflix.


I have given up Facebook before but this time was harder because Pinterest, Instagram and Stumble Upon have been added to the mix. Stumble Upon will be the death of me, I guess it isn't so much social media as it is mindless entertainment. I can laugh and cry at the touch of a button, stumbling onto the next topic that is equally as unimportant as the previous one.


I grew up watching The Wonder Years and for whatever reason I thought high school for me would be like it was for them. Waiting at home for boys to call, twirling the curly cord around my fingers, passing notes in class and getting caught. 

But throughout adolescence I was connected. Cell phones kept me from waiting around and note passing was soon replaced by texting, instant responses that often resulted in my phone being taken up in class. 

My generation doesn't know how to turn off, our phones are an extension of our arm. 

One thing I am so thankful for is the fact that Facebook wasn't around until I hit college. I remember when I first heard of it, I was at the lake with friends, someone mentioned it and explained the purpose, facebook, I thought, what a dumb name. 

I look at those younger in my generation and feel for them. I remember a world without these things, they do not. 

How much harder is it for us to hear that Still Small Voice when we have all this loud around us? 

I could feel my soul needing the quiet and my mind needing the rest. I feel refreshed, maybe it's your turn.  

On Being Grown Up

Whenever I was a kid I thought my parents only responsibility or concern was Alex and myself. They went to work to avoid boredom while we were at school.

We didn't grow up going on crazy vacations. Twice a year we would go to Minnesota to see our grandparents, once in the summer and once in the winter.

 The first time I remember going somewhere besides there was when I was in 6th grade, we went to Gulf Shores. My parents told us that we were going up north to see our grandparents and instead took us to Alabama.

As we moved closer to the gulf they would list the states we were passing through, I sat in the back oblivious. I thought Mississippi and Missouri were the same thing. We had just moved from Colorado to Arkansas and the surrounding states were unknown to me, outside of the mountains I didn't really care. I had also been home schooled for two years so my geography skills, or lack thereof, gave my dad reason to poke fun at my mom.

(It wasn't her fault, I still have a terrible sense of direction and if I haven't been to your house more then four times I'm going to get lost. Mapquest masks this now, in earlier years I just looked like an idiot).

Twelve years later I'm standing in the kitchen of my parents old house explaining to my mother how vacation days work (as if she doesn't know). "So I have two weeks, which you think is fourteen days, but it's really only ten days, because it's a five day work week. So it's just a lot to think about how to use them, where to use them, ya know?"

"Kelsey, why do you think we went to Minnesota all those years? We had two weeks to see family."

I had honestly never thought about it. When you are a kid you see things through  a different lens. And I miss that point of view. The one where leaving for a week doesn't cost you anything and where earning money means making your bed and putting your clothes in the hamper.

I miss getting anxious because I have one worksheet to finish before I can watch Power Rangers and pretend I am the pink one (or the yellow one when Chelsea's around otherwise she'll cry).


The older you get, the heavier things become. People, circumstances and life in general affect you so much more.

Somedays I just want to go back to being seven, crawl underneath my covers and stay there.

I know God created us this way. To grow up (this sounds so silly to type) and experience these different seasons of life. It's a journey and you age in the process. This week however, was one where I wanted to revert and have my parents do everything like the first few seasons.

I guess this is normal though, I'm still adjusting to the stage Todd and I are at now. Trying to put on my grown up lens and embrace it, mortgage, taxes, car troubles and all.

Responsibility is loud unavoidable.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Thoughts on Motherhood

Whenever I was little I truly thought I had a gift with children that no one else possessed. I remember when it started too. I was in second grade and was helping with the toddlers at church, there was one little girl who would not stop crying, all of the adults had tried but nothing changed.

So I went up to the little girl and started talking to her, offering my comfort, I listed off the things her mother probably loved about her, for whatever reason it worked.

The little girl calmed down and from then on I knew I was going to be a great mom, isn't it funny the things we remember?

Now here I am at 24 years old and ever since we got married the idea of having children has terrified me. Maybe it's because now its a possibility. It feels weird even voicing that, aren't all "Christian" women supposed to have this natural bend towards motherhood?

But I haven't yet, I'm comfortable and...selfish. I'll totally own that one, not my most endearing quality I know. I like the fact that Todd and I can make dinner plans on the fly, I like that I'm the only person I'm responsible for in the mornings and I like that my downstairs is almost always picked up.

I know that once we have children, those things will change and to be honest I'm struggling with the thought of it. I hate the selfishness that's inside of me and this subject makes it evident which I hate even more.

For the past few months Todd and I have begun praying about the "subject," for God's wisdom and timing. I'm good with this, praying, because it means my heart is softening.

I can feel God tugging and desiring my release.

This past week I sat in the doctors office, about 75% positive I was pregnant, I had the appointment anyways but for obvious reasons wanted this looked into.

Leading up to it, I went back and forth with God, "You would do it like this, spring it on me so I have no choice but to accept it and I will You know I will."

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the baby pictures on my doctors walls, babies she's delivered I assume and I kind of accepted it, I could do this I thought, if this is what it's about God, I'm okay with being a mom.

It was negative but my thoughts toward it were not.

The next day a sweet friend prayed for me, specifically that Todd and I would trust the Lord with planning a family and that He would prepare our hearts.

Afterward, I asked how she knew Todd and I were starting to pray about this, when she said she didn't, I knew it was just another prod.

He's got my attention and I'm beginning to bend.

Caving

Two years ago I said I'd never have a blog. I was content just writing for The Global Shoppe, but personally, the idea intimidated me. I think this is because I'm much too hard on myself, I over analyze, I put everything I do and say underneath a microscope until I've picked it apart completely. 

It's annoying, even this, here I am on the first post and I've already deleted and re-written, deleted and re-written. But I'm used to it, it's a part of who I am. I'm creativive yet a thinker, not entirely left or right side, maybe I'm middle, is that possible? The line that divides the sides has to count for something.

My husband and I are not alike in this way. He is capable of turning off his mind and thinking about nothing, maybe all men are like this, but Todd is gifted when it comes to retreating.

I'll often ask him what he's thinking about, hoping I'll get a good conversation out of the question. He'll reply, "Nothing," "Really? Nothing at all?" "Nope, nothing."

Can you imagine thinking about nothing? I bet it's the best, peace and quiet on the inside.

I am starting this blog because I am not like the past few sentences. My mind is loud and I need an outlet.

I don't have any expectations with this, I might really enjoy it, I might delete it in a month.

We'll see.