New Life, New Leaves

I love this time of year. It's beautiful and screams life. One day the trees have little buds on them and then the next day...


Boom! Green!

When does it even happen? I like to imagine that the trees plan it, they choose a date and then one of them at midnight says, "ready, set, go," and they fling out their leaves in unison.

These are the things I think about when I drive down the road.

I watch this happen every year, the continual renewal, the dead being brought to life, but I can't seem to apply it on the inside.

I became new at 19, a broken mess on my bed, eyes full of tears and a bible before me, the next three months were a detoxification in the physical and the emotional sense of the life I had lived. I started walking differently, I became a different person, a new person.

I was turning green, coming into real life.

As Christians I feel we forget this, we wonder why we struggle with the same sins over and over. Why the same thoughts creep into our minds, ones that are not "Christ-like," we feel guilty for being the same.

Why can I still not love this person like you do Jesus? Why can't I just be a good wife and not nag my husband when he leaves his stuff all over the kitchen counter? Why can't I just be content with what I have and not jealous of those that have more? Why am I still not trusting you with even the little things? Why am I still worrying and trying to control all aspects of my life instead of releasing it to you?

These changes won't happen over night. Our growth and newness is not a one time deal.

Lately, I've been beating myself up for the way that I still am. I guess I had this expectation that some of the struggles I have would have been non-existent by now. He's so patient with me yet I am not with myself.

Sanctification is a life long process, I'm not going to always love the way I should, extend grace when needed, say the right things, have pure motives or be a good wife, daughter or friend.

Because I'm imperfect and because the ugly isn't going to be removed all at once. And truthfully, some days I won't let Him remove it, which adds to my ugly all the more.

I am green and new in one season and then in the next He allows the aspects of me that don't reflect him to fall off so the good can grow in.

And then it happens all over again. Every year, I'm going to have to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.

Hearts and Heavenly Rewards

If only that were easier said than done, the losing heart part.

I am completely a people person. One of my gifts is compassion (or so I've been told), however, the enemy likes to twist this to his benefit, making me hurt so much when someone else does.

My flesh wants to fix all the broken around me, make it better, to the point where its unhealthy.

Celebrate Recovery would tell me to stop owning other's "stuff," Rana would tell me it's not in my domain.

We were sitting outside at camp, I was 17 she was probably 28. Lani was my small group leader. I shared my struggle with her, she could tell, I thought I did a good job of hiding it, apparently not. That was our first genuine heart to heart. I remember truly liking her then, we had talked some before, but never like this.

When walls start falling down that's when you really start to know someone. This was that moment for me, she knew my mess because she shared the same one earlier on.

I bet Lani thought I'd walk different after that week in Colorado. Surely, it was hard when I didn't. I went back to the partying not long after, when you're young and naive and broken that life is alluring.

It gives off the illusion that it will make things better and temporarily it does but eventually it crashes.

Lani never saw the fruit of her labor. Last I heard she moved to Hawaii, I wish I could tell her I turned out alright and that I get it now.

As believers we are called to love others, to pour into and disciple along the way as well.

 But the outcome of that doesn't rest on us. It belongs to the Lord, He allows us to be a part of His plan but He's still the One in charge.

 This is hard because when we invest we want to see the fruit of it, maybe though, we need to learn to be content with the fact that we won't, at least not with everyone or in this life.

The trials we endure (which includes the aches and pains of our relationships) are achieving for us an eternal glory that is worth so much more then any earthly reward.

This should be encouraging to us and make us want to pour out all the more.

Now I just need to learn how to do that without taking on the outcome.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galations 6:9 

Turning off the Loud

Stepping back and disconnecting every so often is a good thing, but even then I end up feeling anxious and not knowing what to do with my hands. I must have checked the weather on my phone several times a day. The Instagram and Facebook buttons were off limits and it wasn't until they were gone that I realized how often my thumb subconsciously moved towards them. So I'd catch myself and hit the weather instead. 

I knew all about the storm, more than most I'm sure of it. 


Todd was gone for the week leading a mission trip in Texas. I didnt' want him to come home to a vegetable of a wife who zoned out on Pinterest and Facebook five nights in a row while watching documentaries on Netflix.


I have given up Facebook before but this time was harder because Pinterest, Instagram and Stumble Upon have been added to the mix. Stumble Upon will be the death of me, I guess it isn't so much social media as it is mindless entertainment. I can laugh and cry at the touch of a button, stumbling onto the next topic that is equally as unimportant as the previous one.


I grew up watching The Wonder Years and for whatever reason I thought high school for me would be like it was for them. Waiting at home for boys to call, twirling the curly cord around my fingers, passing notes in class and getting caught. 

But throughout adolescence I was connected. Cell phones kept me from waiting around and note passing was soon replaced by texting, instant responses that often resulted in my phone being taken up in class. 

My generation doesn't know how to turn off, our phones are an extension of our arm. 

One thing I am so thankful for is the fact that Facebook wasn't around until I hit college. I remember when I first heard of it, I was at the lake with friends, someone mentioned it and explained the purpose, facebook, I thought, what a dumb name. 

I look at those younger in my generation and feel for them. I remember a world without these things, they do not. 

How much harder is it for us to hear that Still Small Voice when we have all this loud around us? 

I could feel my soul needing the quiet and my mind needing the rest. I feel refreshed, maybe it's your turn.