Harper (3 months and counting)...

Dear Harper Faye, 

The past few months have been impossible and wonderful all rolled into one, you're still alive, so that must mean I am doing something right. Its funny because when you're a little older you'll think I just know what I am doing all of the time. I don't, I have absolutely no idea, I'll learn along with you. Then you'll turn 14 and you'll know more than me. ;) I'll savor the 14 years before that though when I can be the know-it-all. 

You're one adorable baby ya know that? I wish I could have logged how you were at 1 month and at 2 months. But I was in sleep deprived psycho state for the majority of that. I really tried to type one day and about fell asleep. How is it that you sleep most of your life (right now anyway) but I am exhausted half the time? It makes no sense to me. 

So at 3 months, this is what you're all about... 

• You are obsessed with the ceiling fan. Absolutely obsessed. It doesn't matter what room we walk into you are looking for it. We were at Arsagas a few weeks ago, out on their porch and you were in ceiling fan heaven. 
• A wet diaper is the closest thing to the end of the world that you have ever experienced. It's a little silly how dramatic you are about it, but once we change you you're good as new. Hey, no worries, I get in a tizzy about certain things too. 
• You love to snuggle. Keep being like that, I love that you can fall asleep on my chest no matter where we are. 
• When all else fails, its paci time. You love your paci. That's gonna be really fun when we take that away from you one day. 
• You think it's hilarious when we stick out our tongue, it's the first time I ever heard you giggle. 
• Your dad and I make up songs for you all the time. You love them. 
• We prayed you'd be joyful and are you ever! You are just happy happy throughout the day and it's contagious! 
• You love your swing, maybe a little too much. 
• You're very alert and when we're around a lot of people you don't want to sleep. You might miss out so you try your hardest to stay awake. I'm like that too, I hate missing out. 
• You just started kicking and moving your arms all over the place. It's pretty cute.
• And you're cooing all the time. Could your voice be any more precious? NO. 
• Sometimes when you're crying it's because you really just don't want to be held. The minute we put you down you're fine. It's kind of cute how already you like a little space. I get that. Your dad and I recharge the same way. 
• You sat in your bumbo a few days ago! (high five!!!) 
• You just started sucking your thumb. Feeling out which ones best, you switch on and off and sometimes you have them both in your mouth. 

I have loved getting to know you sweet girl. I really just think you're the best thing ever. I am so thankful for you!! You are greatly loved by myself and your dad. We're gonna raise you right, but you might get away with a lot because you're so darn cute. 

Love you little sister, 

Momma 

On Change and Valleys

I can't get Bob Dylan's "The Times They are A-Changin," out of my head. Partly because every other song Todd sings is one of Bob's and also because things are about to change around the Sisson home. A lot.

Everyone who has kids says, "Then there will come a day when you cannot even remember life without them." And truly, that's the weirdest thing to me. Because this life, the one I'm in now is the only one I know.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that in 5 weeks (give or take) there will be a little human in the world that carries bits of me and the person I love in her. So imagining what life will be like without her...I can't fathom it.

Pregnancy has been a strange journey, 9 full on months to just think all the time and forget everything simultaneously.

Physically, I've had it relatively easy. Emotionally and hormonally not so much. Everyone is different and there were days where I would have traded in morning sickness times 10 to not feel so sad. Never, ever, sadness over becoming pregnant, I was so joyful about that. But Satan is cheap and likes to take things, so any amount of joy I had was stolen and replaced with it's opposite. I remained in that state for probably 4 months.

I've always been the kick and scream type in trials, beg and plead for it to go away. I like to look back and then process what I learned, but not during, if that makes sense. Paul, says we need to learn to be content regardless of the circumstance (Philippians 4:12), and I truly during this time of trial wanted to do that.

To be okay with the fact that sometimes the word on repeat is endurance not deliverance. I absolutely think we serve a God who desires to deliver us from our troubles but I think sometimes we're called to endure because this is where growth occurs. No matter the source of the pain. 

And isn't that always what we want? Deep down? To grow in our faith?

I lost my voice during all of that. Mulling over those things among others (mama thoughts). Looking back now, especially, I can say it was a mild depression. That feels weird to type out and kind of hard to admit for some reason.

We gloss over the sad way too much. Put our best foots forward especially online. Hair done, clean house, smooth words. When I get annoyed about that, sometimes, I'll remind myself that we live in a broken world and that their life is a mess in some way or another. Is that bad? It's kind of comforting, especially on the days where all you want is for someone else to say "life is really hard," alongside you.

So deliverance came, but not without a seemingly long season of endurance leading up to it.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past 8 months or so. But even more so about Jesus. He loves us too much to let us remain the same and it's those low places where we become pliable enough to bear his image. To be made to look more like Him in the end. 

I recently read a book called, "Tipping our Kings," by Jack Crabtree it was wonderful and the fact that I'm friends with the wife's writer made it all the more enjoyable to read. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone wrestling with doubt or walking alongside someone who is.

Jack said something that really spoke to me...

"It is important to keep in mind that the "fair" thing for God to do would be to not allow any of us to be saved. We are all fallen. We deserve eternal separation from Him--that would be just." 

All too often I think we feel entitled. To the big like Jack mentions but also to the little, because truthfully we deserve a constant valley. This should make the times on the mountaintops that much sweeter, what a gift that we can experience grace like that in this life. 

And this weekends purpose is a celebration of that exact grace. We are so loved. 

Happy Easter. 

-Kelsey 

For Better or For Worse (and cheap love)

Marriage has been on my mind so much recently, mainly because Todd and I are attending a seminar in the next few weeks but also because Pinterest has sparked anger in me for the past six months and I'm finally willing to talk about it. 

Scrolling through the wedding photos, the ones that look to pretty to be real life, you know the ones. I found myself thinking the thing I didn't want to, but once it entered my mind couldn't shake...how many of these relationships will end in divorce?  Because statistically the odds aren't good. I can scroll to the bottom of "vintage weddings" and assume 50% of them won't last and some stats even say 60%!

I know I'm being such a kill-joy on a "lovey-dovey," day but stick with me. 

Because somewhere along the way we've been deceived into thinking that that day, that ONE day is the end all. That the marriage is secondary to the wedding. That the attention to detail is more important then the attention given to the days to come. 

When did that happen? That shift? My mom and dads wedding was thrown together in her parents backyard. I've heard other stories like this too from years past, the details taking a backseat, or maybe riding in the trunk. This was the norm. 

But Pinterest has created a new norm, a monster norm . It's flung eager brides into a constant state of comparison and coveting. Focusing their attention on everything but marriage! 

For the past 6 months, since we found out Harper had made a home in my belly, I've thought so much about what marriage will look like for Todd and I. Our lives are about to look so different. And now, more than EVER, I desire a healthy marriage.

I'm not going to pretend like I didn't care about wedding details, that would be silly and that would definitely make me a liar. Planning our wedding was something I enjoyed doing, and thats okay! But were I to go back, I think I would have told myself that this day, this one day, is just the first of many that mean SO much more. 

That's the issue. That our society has placed an importance on something that needs to be secondary. It HAS to be secondary to marriage. 

Sure our wedding was beautiful and I cherish the pictures. But that blurry day is long gone and now we've got a commitment on our hands. Something that takes work, lots of "I'm sorry's," and "You're rights." And GRACE. It's rewarding! And we love each other deeply, but if you throw two sinful people under one roof in any house and expect it to be perfect, you'll get anything but that. 

Tonight, my dad came downstairs, taking a break from painting Harper's nursery (he's the best dad and is going to be such a good grandpa). I asked him what the next phase was, for us, after babies. He didn't skip a beat, "Raising your children and watching those around you get divorced." 

Doesn't that just make you want to pray? Pray for your own marriage and pray for your friends marriages? And doesn't it make you angry?? Angry, that Satan is gaining footholds in this area and shifting our cultures view of commitment in general? Deceiving us and focusing our views of what's important elsewhere? 

Cheapening love. Cheapening commitment. Cheapening marriage. 

I'm waking up to this. And I'm just gonna pray. 

Happy Valentines Day? 

Be self controlled and alert, for your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith, because you know that your brothers everywhere are enduring the same kinds of suffering. 

1 Peter 5:8-9 

-Kelsey